No Record of Wrong

I love wedding shows and I love weddings, when I am not watching Around the Horn, of course! One of my favorite shows is Platinum Weddings which showcases these elaborate affairs where every detail is taken into consideration. I had the privilege to attend one of these affairs this weekend. To say I was in awe is an understatement. But despite all of the décor and details the thing that resonated with me the most was “love keeps no record of wrong doing.” It is a verse from of a very familiar passage, I Corinthians 13, that is often cited at weddings but it wasn’t until this weekend that this particular verse struck a chord with me.
In relationships it is easy to keep a running tally of how one has wronged the other.  It is a mental scoreboard, if you will, except the game never ends and the tally is never reset before the relationship dissolves. It is super easy to bring up past incidences without thought in an effort to prove a point or hurt the other. But for most of us, at some point, the tally runs too high and we feel the need to leave. It is just in those relationships and friendships that we intend to last a lifetime that the scoreboard must be reset daily.
But how do you ignore instinct, or the need to be right, and to prove points?  I suppose this true love, the one that holds no records of wrong, focuses more on what is lost, hurt, and damaged in the attempt to be right rather than the need to be right. Reasonably, there are times when the ties need to be cut but that is after the love has expired and love is no longer given or reciprocated. Those times, no one is acting in love. But for those that are looking for the lifelong love, the past errors have to remain there and the decision to love has to be renewed daily.

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In Preparation for Her: The Wedding Edition

Brides are to expected to be the picture perfect Barbie... at least for the first month or two.

August is here and we are in the midst of wedding season.  Beautiful brides-to-be, in preparation for the big day, are constantly being offered unsolicited advice on how to perform their wifely duties.  They need to be good cooks, good housekeepers, the best lovers on earth, so on and so forth.  In essence, brides have the pressure to be perfect.  So I found it only appropriate when my friend whose wedding date is quickly approaching posed the question, “What does her fiancé need to do to prepare to be a good husband [to her]?”
Grooms seemingly are only posed two questions: “Are you ready for the big day?” and “Are you sure you are ready?”  There typically is not an onslaught of must-dos for the groom-to-be.  Additionally, there is not an abundance of black husbands and fathers to serve as role models.   And sadly, since the finale of The Cosby Show the portraits of black man as a husband, father, and businessman are scarce.  As usual I took matters into my own hand and created a small council of married people- two wives, two men, none of which were married to each other.  Per these conversations, I devised a list of things a man must do in preparation to be a good husband to his wife.  It’s only right.

Yea, we need more images like this flooding the networks.

1) Lead by serving: The title of husband comes with a ton of responsibility.  Now in addition to take care of yourself, you take on a family.  Your personal needs sometimes take a backseat to the needs of the family.  So while women are told to cater to their man, sometimes a man will have to cater to the needs of his wife and family.  A great husband understands that by doing what is necessary to keep his wife happy, she will innately go above and beyond for their husbands. By serving her, you give her the morale boost needed to keep going.  It is also a symbol of appreciation for all she does on behalf of the family.

2) I ain’t yo momma: Apparently men are prone to thinking their wife is supposed to be a replica of their mother.  However, the wives expect the men to fully weaned before entering a marriage. T hat means don’t run to your mother after every argument.  Don’t expect your wife to clean up after you daily.  In other words, don’t make your mother a THIRD person in a two person union.  It also means that you will have to use your words to communicate your thoughts, wants and needs and not pout like a child so the wife have to play the guessing game.
3) Be Married before you married. According to both men, you need to already be in full husband mode before you even make it official.  Neither women nor men should expect a dramatic change overnight.   And we all know practice makes perfect.
4) Patience. Seems obvious, right?  However this is not so much in the dealing with nagging or arguments sense as it is to learn that everything will not come instantly.  It is kind of like when you were single, and you wanted to go to get something to eat.  It only took a few minutes to get dressed, leave the house, grab some food and get back.  But whenever you add another person in the equation the amount of time it takes to get from point A to point B usually increases.  The time triples when children are involved.  In the marriage, things that were once simple are now a process and it takes patience to handle those old challenges as well as tackle the new challenges.   However, this time it is different, now you have a wife dedicated to helping you tackle these challenges together. And well, that is the blessing of marriage.

*shout out the council*

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The Just-In-Case Boo

Wedding season is officially in full effect.  Every weekend timelines are overflowing with status changes and wedding pictures.  It is a beautiful thing.  In spite of all its beautifulness, another man is off the market.  It is highly probable that you never had an interest in this man ever in life, but the fact that he is no longer available makes you take inventory of your available groom-to-be stock.  This stock refers to the men you have absolutely no intention of marrying unless you find yourself 40, single, and need to get married- the just-in-case boos.
The just in case boos usually adore you, on paper meet most of your qualifications, yet in person lack something not so significant that prevents a relationship to bloom.  So you keep him on very loose strings just in case options #1-27 marry someone else.  No one wants to be 28th on any list.  So here are few signs to let you know you are keeping a just in case boo or sadly you are the just in case boo.

On a date with #28, pouting because #1 hasn't called.

1)        Every Blue Moon: Not every girl harasses the man she is sincerely interested in by calling 5 times a day every day.  Some only call or text once a month especially if she has a lot on her plate.  But if a girl only calls once every 6 months just to make sure a man is still single, she is probably just taking inventory of her stock.
2)        Never Going to Get It: You have known each other for 12 years, both have been single over a significant length of time, you date sporadically but he ain’t ever got the goods…or close to the goods…ever. He seems to be permanently stuck in the friend zone, unless you are 40 and still single, then he can get it… at least on the honeymoon.
3)        There’s a Jealous Girl in Our Town: This man has been trying to game you down forever, but you never give him the time of day.  His calls are ignored, texts are dismissed, and offers for thoughtful dates are turned down.  You were hoping for better yet thought he would always be around if you ever wanted him.  Then he got a girlfriend.  Now all of a sudden, you call him to find out why he is not calling daily.  Now you want to go out. You are the queen of hating now that option #28 has found another interest.  But that is the risk you take when you keep a just in case boo– he may rather be another lady’s first choice.