Giving It Up: How Soon Is Too Soon?

Men, typically, want one thing.  Sex.  It is the common denominator that binds race, hue, religion, sexual orientation, age, and socioeconomic background.  Well, it is true.  So it is a refreshing to a woman when a man comes along and wants MORE than that one thing. You know, these are the men that actually care about your well being, your interests, and your feelings.  But upon first glance they all look the same.  The men that care dress the same as the ones who don’t care at all.  Both types of men go to the same restaurants, have memberships at the same gym, and get their hair cut at the same barber shop.  So I can’t necessarily say I am upset with the woman that decided she was going to wait…no, not wait until she was married but waited until she was sure to which group he belonged.
Contrarily, the infamous 90-day rule of thumb seems ridiculous both in theory and practical application.  A preset time limit, regardless of circumstance,  seems like a recipe for disaster and disappointment.  Moreover, it makes your body and those intimate interactions, a prize that can be won after a simple and basic challenge of merely waiting.  I am infinitely more than that.
So that begs the question, “how soon is too soon to have sex?”  This question is applicable to both men and women.  For the men, how do you separate the hoes from the wives based on how easily the goods were obtained?  And for the women, how do determine a man’s true intentions without making him wait?  If you make him wait too long do you risk losing him altogether?  Well, if he will leave because you want to be sure you can go ahead and scratch his name off the list.
I’m going to jump out there and say most men, even those that sincerely care about a woman, will not play a 90-day waiting game.  However, a man that cares about you will wait until you are ready, whether that is 2 weeks down the line or until you are married.  Maybe it is beyond caring if he waits until you are married because that is a special and rare love.
I do believe it is the woman’s responsibility to take value in her own body and make sure the man is worth her time and her most inner self.  The man should show as much enthusiasm about outdoor activities as he does with indoor activities.  He should invest in your well being.  He should encourage your best.  I know some may say, it is just sex and not that serious.  But your body, man or woman should not be a free-for-all festival where anybody can have access.  A good male friend of mine always says that because a woman has exactly what a man wants she has the power.  Some admittedly abuse that power; however, the tragic cases are those that don’t know they even have any power.  Well, knowledge is also power.  And getting to know someone takes time and effort.  So until we both know each other, whenever that time comes, that is how long it will take.

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Can You Really Overcome Bad Sex?

Welcome to another edition of Light Fridays

I was recently reminded of a status I posted on facebook almost a year ago.  I was asked if it still held the same stance, and I replied yes and no…
The question was this: how would you rank the following in significance when building a relationship: a) looks b) assets c) chemistry/sex/sexual connection d) goals/ambition e) spirituality f) common interests?
A year later, I feel there are two more things that must be added to this list. g) intelligence, which I have obviously taken for granted all of these years, and h) effective communication, again something I previously assumed was a given, but in recent interactions discovered it is not.
The additions in place, and not to totally contradict myself in Monday’s post, my order would be:
E- G- C- H- F- D- A- B

Please note: everyone has on their clothes. Chemistry. Get Some.

Assets are the least important to me because I feel if you are doing the rest, the assets will undoubtedly follow. And you call me shallow, but it is hard to get to know C-H without A being in place.  If there is no initial attraction people rarely take the time to get to know a person beyond what they need to.  And sex, sex IS important.  While no relationship should be based around it because it is a thin, feeble, and weak foundation, it can be a deal breaker if it not up to par and beyond repair.  In theory, it should not debunk E,G, H, F, and D but I can understand how it can.  I am not promoting having sex before you have a relationship either.  I believe it is very possible, and much more feasible, to determine a sexual connection before you even get naked have sex.  I know it’s crazy since so many just jump straight to the sheets. For me, I like touch when I talk to people, especially the ones I like.  It is usually a gentle brush on the arm or hand but when you get close to man you like, you can tell if there is chemistry or not.  It is the synergy that fills the air before the first kiss.  It cannot be manufactured or forced or bought.

But those are just my thoughts.  What are yours?

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She’s Single for the Night

Not all women use sex to audition for a relationship. Some women see sex as just sex. There are no emotions involved on their end. There are no phone calls the next day or the next week. As of matter, of fact these women don’t even call but reduce all communication to text -time, date, and place. She wants no hugs, no elongated kisses, and no lingering. And no, these women don’t deserve the label of whore just because they know exactly what they want and the exact means to get it.

The prey for tonight has been spot. The lure begins.

Some women enjoy the game- the chase, the lure, and the catch. And no, they are not bitter and lashing out vaginally, they just don’t desire the headache of a relationship. They are simply wired differently, like Sex in the City’s Samantha. Like the leading cast would suggest, the odds of finding a woman capable of getting in and keep it moving is probably 1 out of 4. Most will become emotionally invested on some level. And while most men dream of finding women capable of recreational sex, these same men are often crushed when they find out they are only prey caught in her trap.
Some women are jaded and are lashing out vaginally. They were hurt one too many times and now are numb to it all. They use sex to band-aid emotional, physical, and psychological scars. It is a quick fix for these women like a drug, alcohol, or shopping. However, their lack of emotion is not by choice, they simply have no more emotions to give.
Some women are just cheating. These women may be in love or not, but they are certainly bored with their home life…and their man. Like men, some women cheat just to see how long they can go before getting caught. It is an adrindinle rush to these thrill-chasers. While it is an affair, it is only a physical one void of any emotional or love. And if by some chance, she gets caught by messing with a crazy stalker dude, this is the defense she will give- the same one her last boyfriend gave her.

The Best I’ve Ever Had…Or Lack Thereof

welcome to another edition of Light Fridays…

Before we get into it, formspring questions have finally been answered.  Check out the link here.
Every guy thinks they are the best you’ve EVER had in life.  Some guys go as far to think they are the best ANYONE has ever had in the history of getting it in.  As stated previously, this is just not mathematically possible or probable.  So what happens when he confidently poses the question “Am I the best?”  I say women have lied to men far too much in this arena.  It is only more work for the next woman to not only dethrone his ego, but teach him the correct method.  The more he thinks he is the greatest, the harder he is to teach. But to be completely fair, this problem transcends gender and absolutely applies to women as well.  Regardless of gender, here are some best methods to help your partner out, so you can quit lying to them.
1)      What Do You Like: It is very hard to explain what you are not liking if you don’t have a firm grasp of what you do like.  So the first step is taking the time to know what works for you. With that said, focus less on what they are doing wrong and explain the things you would like to happen.  If they value you, they will try to make you happy.
2)      Stop Beating Around the Issue: While the truth may hurt, being mocked by your homies because word got around that work was not being put in hurts way more.  Be direct and make a clean cut.  Start with the things that are working well.  This is also the opportune time to state what you obviously hate. Then state what needs to be done to make it better.  But don’t be surprised when you get feedback on what you need to do better as well. The floor is now open…because you opened it.
3)      You Have To Bring It: Can’t complain about others if you don’t put any effort into being your personal best.  Step your game up.  People know when they are being outplayed every game and hopefully will step up.   Winners like winners.  Are you a winner??

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Sex: The Relationship Audition

A committed relationship before sex? It is 2010 and it seems like an unrealistic notion.  With each year, sex becomes more and more casual. “No strings attached” has taken a literal turn for both men and women alike.  Well maybe, it is still just for the men.  While the feminist movement continues to liberate women of their sexual inhibitions, freeing women of the stigmas of labels of whore and slut, these women are now free-spirited, finding herself, and simply enjoying life.  And some may, but that number is minute in comparison to the women that use sex to audition for the coveted committed and fulfilling relationship.
Once upon a time, and a land far, far away, a man had to at the very least be your boyfriend before a lady would engage in sexual activity with him.  Only 20 years ago, that standard was low.  Today, that standard is non-existent.  The lack of commitment required before sex is detrimental, not only for the sake of the moral barometer, but also because women have allowed men to substitute casual, unattached sex for the desired intimacy found only in committed relationships. With all of the progression, education, pay increases, and equal rights, women still want more- they still want a man’s sole devotion.  It has gone from simply wearing seductive clothes to working out to look the best naked, from saying no let’s wait awhile to performing the best ride with the hopes that a man will choose you.
But women have sold themselves short.  The best sex does not land the best man.   Moreover, sex shouldn’t be the tool that is used to try to obtain or maintain a man.  The supply of women willing to audition themselves out is high.  The men willing to commit before sex are low.  The risks are high and not in women’s favor.  The frequent sexual exchanges only lower the woman’s current market value.
So the next time he says he is not looking for anything serious, believe him. If you want more, walk away and to someone willing to offer more.  It seems preposterous to go to the tire shop with the hopes they will make you a smoothie.  Equally absurd is the notion to physically invest in a man with hopes of gaining an emotional commitment.

The Pass

Men are notorious for missing memos.  They miss the “I’m not interested” memo, the “I’ve been cheating on you” memo, and the “your pass has expired” memo.   It is understood between both men and women upon the first [successful] sexual interaction that there is a pass that allows future access without having to resubmit a new application.  I mean, that is all dating has been reduced to, an application to smash.
It seems that men think the one-time application submission is valid for forever.  They fail to read the fine print, the clause that very clearly states the terms of the pass:
a)     The pass automatically expires if it has been more than 30 days since last interaction.
b)    You lie on the initial application or any point thereafter that would directly affect the agreement of the pass.
c)     Either party decides to enter a serious, committed relationship with any other person.
d)    You stop giving your best
e)     You become annoying
f)      You become clingy, begging, weird, and/or psychotic
I thoroughly believe that men overlook these clauses because their egos (absolutely no pun intended) blind their vision.  Everyone thinks they are the best but clearly this is not mathematically possible.   Everyone feels like they can talk their way back but she has to be willing to listen.  So take time to pay attention because your pass just may be expired.  If so, please resubmit application for further consideration.