To My Exes’ Currents

 

 

If women had their way, these would be sold in stores to permanently remove exes from their boyfriend's database.

 

To My Exes’ Currents,

Most women whether they are over their ex or not have innate animosity to whoever replaces her in his life.  It seems the natural response to the new woman in an ex’s life is dissent.  The dissent can be constant whether the ex dumped her boyfriend, she got dumped, or the breakup was mutual.
It is out of this opposition that most “new” women seek to prevent any future arguments by requesting that all of the old flames be completely removed from the picture regardless of their current status.  This preventative measure is usually standard to include removing of pictures, phone numbers, and the elimination of all communication without exception.  For the new woman, it is the equivalent of having a magic eraser to erase prior women from his memory and database.  I have been on both sides of this erasure that is deep seated in insecurity and lack of trust.  Of course, there are cases where unhealthy and disrespectful ties should be severed.  However, the man, out of respect for you and what you both have, should take the initiative to evaluate and respond accordingly.  Honestly, if you can’t trust him to handle that much then is there really a point to move forward???
It is out of this sentiment that I decided the current women in exes’ lives deserved a shout out.  As I’ve stated before, I am cool, if not good friends, with the majority of my exes.  As friends, we talk, joke, and support each other’s various endeavors.  These friendships over time have become indispensable parts of my life.  However, if their current ladies had decided to enforce the erasure of all exes, such friendships would not be possible.   So today, I thank them for giving the previous women in their man’s lives a fair trial.  Even beyond a fair trial, these women gave time for the adjustment of interactions to take place.  What a thought? Beautifully secure black women.  I believe they deserve an applause.  Thank you for allowing my friendships to stay intact and thanks for setting a new standard.

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Why You Can’t Meet My Friends

Despite this blog, my very open personal twitter account, and my frequent facebook updates, I am a very private person, even with my friends…even with my best friends.  No one friend knows all, most know some, but only a few know most, and only GOD knows all.  There is no exception when it comes to men I date.
So it is always strange when men I date ask to kick it with my friends- the friends that have probably heard nothing about him…at all.  My response is usually, “Nah, you can’t meet my friends.”  He usually responds, “Why?”  I typically give some version of “I’m not there yet.”
Here are my reasons why I am totally against someone I’m dating meeting my friends.
1)   No commitment: We are just dating and on my end nothing serious as of now.  I have friends and family that every time you see them they are introducing to someone new.   Instead of enjoying the pleasantry of meeting this person, you don’t even hear the name because you are giving your friend/family the extreme side-eye.  Yeah, so I refuse to be that person with a constant rotation of new people.
2)   My Friends Are Cool As Hell: There is no question, my date will love my friends.  It only takes a few hours of kicking it with them to feel like you have truly bonded.  At the end of the night, he will probably be like “I’ve haven’t had that much fun in a while.”  Then my date is trying to exchange twitters or pins.  And well, I just can’t have that.  What if I decide you are no longer worth my time, are you still going to try to kick it with my friends?  Are your exchanges going to be on my timeline like ya’ll are cool?  It can become super annoying and harder to  move forward if you are now, without earning it, integrated into my social circle.
3)   My Friends are Like Family: I have no family here in D.C., at least biologically speaking.  My friends are like my family.  I believe the saying goes, “friends are the family you can pick.”  Well, I picked quite an extraordinary bunch.  So if I am not ready for you to meet my family, then I am not ready for you meet my friends.
I will let you know when we get there.

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The Amicable Ex

I am cool with all of my exes (well, all of them from college forward).  Some of my relationships were public.  Others were private.  Some had a friendly break up.  Others were, well let’s say, much less friendly.  All were necessary.
I admit most of the coolness between my exes and I happened by chance with little to no effort.  But there were a couple that I had to make a personal decision that once the last “f*ck you” had lost its sting that at some point we would come together to make amends.  I made the decision to forgive, not for them but for me.  However, my greatest objective was to see where and how we went awry.  I could easily continue to place blame and say there are no good men.  Or I could ask those who I had allowed to be closest to me to give their perspective.  I choose to listen.   It is hard to have someone that you loved magnify your shortcomings.  But those conversations gave me the realest portrait of myself.  At that point, I could choose to grow from it or continue to make the same mistakes.  I am pro-growth.
Eventually the pain subsides and we remember the foundation of which our relationship was established. However, this time we are saner and free of the  confines of titles and rules.  Through these saner eyes, we can see what we were possibly only intended to ever be – friends.