The Boyfriend with the Absent Father

Once upon a time I said wouldn’t ever date a guy whose father was not an active part in his life again.  While I have strayed from that premise a few times since then, I still believe my theory behind my statement, for the most part, still holds true.

My theory, based on my experiences up to that point, was that men without an active father do not have a constant example of how a man should treat a woman.  In my experiences, up to that point, I found myself fighting for the things that should have been a given.  The things I was asking, in regards to chivalry, compromise, sacrifice, and effective communication, were foreign to them in the realm of relationships.  These were non-issues in my relationships with men that did have an active father, and even more so when that father was in the home.

As I have grown older, I can look back and attribute some of the shortcomings for boyfriends with absent fathers simply to immaturity.  Perhaps their maturity was delayed due to an absent father.  It is both possible and plausible.  However, I have discovered the greatest hindrance of a man learning how to properly love a woman is due to lack of exposure of such.  It doesn’t need to be from his father, for even that can be a piss poor example, but the example has to come from someone he admires.  I say the boyfriend must admire this person first because that is the only way another man’s actions can hold any value to the boyfriend to even desire to be better than he is.  But this can go from wonderful to tragic, entrepreneur to dope boy, depending on the example. Nonetheless, a positive an example needs to be there, and it should be his father.  Tragically, more often than not, that is not the case within our communities.  And from that respect, I am glad my theory was a little off-base because it provides hope in an otherwise catastrophic situation.  There is hope, and even the expectation, that cycles will be broken and new, more excellent principles will be established.

I have since dated men that have defied these odds and matured into better men, fathers, and significant others without the example from their fathers.  And I tell you, where it may take a little longer and be a little harder for them to get there, when they are there, they are steadfast in their journey to be better men than their absent fathers.  And after a while, defying odds and exceeding expectations becomes commonplace for him.  He is then the example, not only for his children, but for his communities.