Black Women are Enablers

I am fully aware of the gross generalizations I make on behalf of black people.  It is done intentionally because it takes too much time to dissect the exceptions.  And everybody wants to be an exception but the majority of us fall in the generalizations hence the dire state of our communities and families.  As a result, I have decided to start a new column entitled “All BLACK Everything.”  Yes, I know I stole the title but it fits the contents.  Without any further ado, let’s get into it…

I would love to meet the first black woman who had a black man and after he cheated took him back.  I would love the meet the pioneer of enabling black men.  I’m sure he said he only loved her, and it was only one time, and he would never do it again.  I would bet he did it again.  In my mind, I imagine him telling his boys and his boys being like “word, son she didn’t kill you?” and he replying “not even, we had make-up sex that night and everything. Crazy, right?”  I imagine her heartbroken and confiding in her girls but only pointing out the good he does as she justifies the reasons to why she kept him.  Maybe she convinced these women it was the right thing to do too.  And when his boys cheated on her girls, these women too forgave those men and from there the sickness of enabling begin to spread.
Cheating is so commonplace nowadays it is almost expected.  Women expect to be cheated on and men expect to be forgiven time and time again. The lying- well, we almost encourage it.  Tell us anything but the truth.  At least that applies to half of black women, the other half prefer the truth.  So all a black man has to determine which woman you are- the one that needs to be lied to or the one that wants to hear the truth about his frequent indiscretions.  So why wouldn’t a man take advantage of this?  He can have both the woman he loves in addition to any others that may catch his eye along the way?  Hell, I would sign up for that myself.  After so much forgiving and loving, for the man it doesn’t even feel wrong after a while, the guilt fades eventually, and wrong becomes the standard.  Anything slightly above wrong is praised by his woman.  “Girl, as long as he knows I am his number one.  He comes home to me.”   Well, isn’t that what he is supposed to do??  And being one out of many is nothing to boast about in terms of a supposedly committed relationship.
What if black women had a standard of having to be the only? What if black men had to emotionally and physically commit to keep their woman?  I expect women would gain power and find strength in realizing their value.  I suppose black men would step up to the challenge because at the end of the day they want to be loved too.  And honestly, it only takes one self-respecting woman that knows her worth to replace the twenty that didn’t.
I can’t help but wonder if the pioneer of enabling had simply cut her losses and kept it moving and left her man alone to wallow in his regret and comprehend the severity of his actions.  I wonder if he would have take the lessons he learned in that failed relationship into his next promising himself to not ever make that mistake again because cheating actually cost him much more than it was worth…

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His Hesitation

Welcome to another edition of Light Fridays

cheaper to keep her

Tiger’s wife, Elin expected $300 million divorce settlement will have Kelis’s monthly stipend from Nas look like welfare checks.  In a recent conversation with a best friend, he was explaining all a man has to seriously consider before entering marriage.  Love, compatibility, and security are no longer the only key components a man must consider anymore.  Now you must consider the worst case scenario, divorce, and how much that will cost you.  Past, current, and possible future earnings are now all at risk once you enter this supposedly lifelong matrimony.  So ladies, his hesitation to jump that broom may be with good reason.
Public divorces are a good example to men, although no one seems to be getting the message.  How many mistresses have come forth in the Tiger Wood’s affair? 20 or so?  Well after a little computing, I discovered that comes to $15,000,000 per girl!!! FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLLARS PER ASS!!!  But I am sure Tiger, being a black man, had many others.  So I did a decided to round up to 100 girls he may have been involved in since the conception of his marriage.  And well that was still $3,000,000 per girl!  Astronomical.  I wonder if Tiger did the calculations if it was worth it.  I wonder if Elin is leaving out of pride, or if the damage is really beyond repair.  I wonder if Nas is thanking God he wasn’t any richer. I wonder if Oprah is laughing at them all…

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A Delicacy of Trust

Trust: a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed

Black women do not trust black men.  Maybe that’s not fair, maybe women do not trust men.  I do not know who is the blame – the women or the men.  Granted men do cheat and lie, but women at some point seem to enable and perpetuate the lying and the cheating.  Black women are enablers…but I will save that for another day.

girl, get outta his phone

In Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too, I was in tears laughing at the character Angela’s role.  Despite your feelings toward the overall movie, I believe most black men and women could relate to the arguments over the codes to cell phones.  All of my girlfriends at some point have checked their boyfriend’s phone, email, facebook, etc. as a means to find out what their man is really doing.   It can become a full time job and consumption of time and energy.
Then one day it hit me, why be with someone you don’t trust.  It was such a novel idea; I don’t know why it took so long for me to get it.   I remember the day, January 6, 2007, when I decided I would never check a phone, email, chat logs ever again.  I have been hacking-free since that day.  I have been FREE of drama since that day too.  I have been FREE of negative energy and emotional drainage that comes with being the CIA of your man.  I have been FREE of my own hypocrisy.  I have been freed!
I made the decision then, if I have to check behind him and break & enter into accounts, he is not for me.  If I don’t trust him, then he is not the man for me.  It instantly eliminated so many from the pack and set a clear standard of what is acceptable.   It was a reality check for not only men but for my own wrong behavior.  The thought doesn’t even cross my mind anymore.  It is no longer an option for gathering information.  I go directly to the source if I have an issue.  I ask him and listen to his response.  I invite you to try it.
Ms “stop going through his stuff, girl, you tripping” Tryst

something she wants you to know…

In my lifetime, I have played all three possible roles in the game of cheating.  I have been cheated on, I have cheated, and I have been the accomplice to the cheating.  People will give you all types of reasons why people cheat. And if that list is longer than one singular item then the list is erroneous.  There is only ONE reason why people cheat, at least initially- it is what they wanted to do when the opportunity presented itself.  All the other reasons are pish-posh!
Here are some common beliefs about cheating that I feel are really myths.
1)      Men cheat WAY more than women.
2)     Men are so sloppy with their cheating and that is why they always get caught
3)     Women are much smarter cheaters and that is why they hardly get caught.
I am going to let you in on a little something. If a man is caught cheating it is because the side chick wanted to send a message to the main lady. The side chick has to leave a trail for the dude to get caught, plain and simple.  As long as side chick is content, she will do her part to make sure he never gets caught.  She will keep electronic communication to a bare minimum.  She will have him home on time, collar clean, and shirt pressed.  Most important, she will grossly limit the usage of his name both publically and privately because you never know who knows who.
The reason women are not caught cheating as frequently as men is because men have too much pride to seem pressed enough to go through the effort of making his presence known to another man.  It’s just way too much work.  Unless he gets “hooked on the venom,” well, then men can become worse than women.
Much like the list of reasons why people cheat, the reason why a side-chick wants to make their presence known is also relatively simple.  It is the result of growing discontentment- emotionally, financially, position, etc.
All of this to say if you MUST cheat, keep the side chick paid happy.
~ms. yeah you prolly should’ve kept them monthly payments going

When it is NOT okay to break up their happy home…Alicia.

A wise woman once said, “Everyone has been cheated on and everyone has cheated.”  No surprises there, just like there is no surprise that the wife (yes, they are still legally married) of Swizz Beatz, Mashonda, still has a lot on her chest about the role Alicia played in their pending divorce.  But with cheating being so commonplace does Mashonda still have a right to be upset? Yeah, Hell yeah!
And while I in NO WAY condone cheating, or being an accomplice to cheating unless he is super fine and THE BEST…, IF you MUST cheat, there is a code,  Alicia.
You should steer clear, ignore his 2:00am texts, and keep your hands to yourself if:
He is married. When vows are expressed openly before God, family, and friends, you need to keep your goods and sultry singing in late night studio sessions to yourself! This is closely followed by he is engaged.  If he has made that $10K investment on a piece of jewelry you can bet he is all in, so you need to fall back. Matter of fact, discontinue contact because you obviously didn’t make the cut boo.
They have kids. 2007-062607_bet-awards_black-carpet-fashions_swizz-beatz_mashonda_kidsThey have been together for 9 years together. She is pregnant with baby number #4 by him. You might need to make better use your energy elsewhere, despite his claims to their rocky relationships.  Any child born after the first one, is NOT an accident- he knew exactly what he was doing.  Do you really want to be the reason she has to explain to their children why Daddy is leaving? And honestly, even if it is just one child, that mother, if he is a real father, will forever be in the picture.  As Mashonda stated, “If you two being together forever is the case, [it’s] more of a reason for us to get along, because I’m not going anywhere. [There’s] a child to be raised.”
She is crazy.A Thin Line As much as we rooted for Nia Long’s character in A Thin Line Between Love and Hate victory in winning Martin Lawrence’s character, she basically put her life at risk over a dude.  It is never, ever, ever that deep…  If she making calls and stopping by your job over ol’ dude, then let her have him.  You never know what is next with unstable creatures.
He has no respect for you. All calls are made after midnight and he is gone by morning.  You never get dates, still pay all your bills, and you bought all your clothes. SMH, you are missing the point.  IF you cheat, it is suppose to be like a vacation- wining and dining, sweet surprises, and gifts.  You run this, not him. Otherwise, you are not doing something right…or he doesn’t respect you at all. Drop him.
You are crazy. Brad and AngelinaYou think there is something so magical about your goods that he is going to leave the woman he is with for you. You have pictures of Angelina and Brad as your screen saver.  You are just hopeful, making plans, stalking, and wishing. You are crazy.  The odds that he leaves her because of you are slim to none.  Even if he leaves her, he is not coming to you.  If you can’t handle your role, this game ain’t for you.

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