To the Black Women that STILL Love Black Men

November 16, 2010 6 Comments

***This was requested a while ago, but it seems as if the timing is most appropriate now.***

Recently, it seems that black men have been attacked from every angle possible.  From the media coming at Obama’s throat, from black women, from another Tyler Perry production,  and even cartoons on youtube are having a field day magnifying the shortcomings of black men.  There was once a time that at LEAST, at the very least, black women would support and defend black men at all costs, but it seems most of those have jumped ship…  I say it is their loss because it is clear black men are still a prize…even white, asian, and latinos women recognize this.  And really how can you not see it?
Black men are fine…as hell.  Personally, I don’t see how a woman could ever abandon that godly physique.  Shoulders so wide and broad that they are strong enough to love you, children that aren’t his, your family, and your past.  And after a long day at work, his arms embrace all of you effortlessly and instantly relieving the stresses of your day.  It is with his magical touch that finally your guard can come down and the façades worn to appease corporate America can be taken off because in his presence you have entered a safe place.  And you value this because it is the place where you get to be just you.  Only his full lips can smack your cheeks that force the most genuine smile out of you.
Black men are confident.  As a matter of fact, black men set the bar on confidence.  He is confident about the things he has done and equally confident about the things he has never done.  You see, this confidence rests not on what he does but who he believes he is regardless of others’ opinions. It is that confident stride, whether it is the brother in the mail room or the one in the corner office, that grabs your eyes attention every single time.
Black men are strong.  I know this is a label often reserved for black women- the strong black woman.  However, the strength it takes to be a black man that goes day to day without the respect, praise, or recognition deserved is in a league of its own.  Often they have no voice at work or have to fight harder for gain the respect of his white counterparts, and then come home to black women.  Well, we know how that goes.  Even with his boys, there is only so much as men, as black men, that they can share without appearing weak.  So the load, the burdens, the pressure, the frustration, failures, hurt, and pain they just carry…silently.  Every day.  Yet, somehow they find a way to be the charming, funny, lighthearted yet soulful men in which we depend to always do what is needed of them without exception.
All they ask in return is a little understanding, respect, and allow them to be men without undercutting their efforts and roles.  I know, they are completely unreasonable, right?
So to the black women that look beyond what is fed to them through media outlets, to those women that don’t use black men as a scapegoat for their own issues, to those that love and believe in black men without exception, you too deserve an applause.  We’re fewer in number, so we have to make sure we cheer louder so our men can hear us.

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Can a Woman Raise a Man?

October 14, 2010 1 Comment

Women innately have superhuman abilities that when determined makes any task possible.  This is especially true when it comes to providing for the ones she loves.  Women have the unique ability to balance a career, school, and family all while carrying a life.  Women can also manage their careers, education and own businesses and make it look easy.  However, women do have limits that no matter how hard they try they cannot achieve.  Taking into account the state of black men and the black community, the limits of motherhood may make it near impossible for a woman to effectively raise a man.
As much as I applaud single mothers and their tenacity and determination to give their children their absolute best, collectively I am not sure how good of a job black women have been doing raising productive black men alone.  Just based off the results of children coming out of broken homes by looking around my immediate and national communities, it is obvious that the current system is failing.  If you had a job where you worked 12 hour days, worked overtimes, never slacked, always gave your best yet still didn’t perform well I don’t believe anyone would fault you.  Similarly, the role of the single mother, though gives her best, still may fall short.  The reason for this is solely due that raising a man was never intended to be done by just a mother.   It requires a man to teach males how to become men. In the same manner, it takes a physicist to teach physics, and an engineer to teach engineering.
Originally, I thought that only men were needed to teach men how to be men. However, in having this discussion with some men, a man shared that it takes both a man and a woman to raise a man:
It takes both mother and father to raise a boy into a man.  As a boy grows up, the mother teaches the boy compassion and how to love.  This is why boys are closer to their moms.  At the same time, the boy is watching his dad how he does things, how he carries himself, the respect he has for the Lord, and how his dad treats his mom and interacts with others.  When the boy comes closer to being a man, he will need his father or a good role model to follow so that he can be the man that God wants him to be.  So to answer your question yes [a woman can raise a man], but without both that man will be incomplete, and he will have to learn the rest on his own. ~ C. Askew
I totally agree and this prospective sheds light on an otherwise bleak forecast.  A woman can raise a man with the help of a man whether it be the father or a good role model in her son’s life.  Or a man will try to fill in the void on his own which has been proven asking too much from a child.  I believe as a single parent, it is as vital as supplying food and shelter to seek and provide good role models for whoever is lacking in their responsibility in that child’s life.  In this parents will take the first step in raising productive children thus changing our communities…for the better.

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Sharing Your Story: The Sisterhood Files, Part 2

July 29, 2010 Leave a comment

It seems everyone wants to be portrayed as perfect.  I find this especially true among black women- the need to present themselves flawless amongst other women.  We, as women, have a tendency to go through great lengths to perfect the elaborate details of our outer appearance, not to impress men, but to outshine other women.  It is my belief that most men could care less about, and moreover, don’t even notice the details.  Men have the wonderful ability to assess the overall package without dissecting how that package comes together.  This is very similar to their ability to see the forest without paying attention to the trees, or leaves, or tree trunks, colors and shading, or density like we, as women, have a tendency to do.
So it is no surprise that women go through great lengths to hide any and all flaws both externally and internally.  While the external is superficial and holds no real value, it is the hiding of internal flaws that hinder both the progress of self and of others.  There was once a time long ago when black women would find power and strength in sharing their story, better known as the testimony.  These testimonies would encourage others going through similar situations and serve as a therapeutic release for those giving the testimony.  The black social circles were also a way of passing along pertinent information to help the progress of an entire people.  But now, it is every woman for herself.  You have to find your own way.  I don’t know if it is so much that women don’t want to help as much as they don’t want to tarnish their image in the process of helping.   So as such, many women face the challenges of – abortions, marriages, spirituality, miscarriages, divorce, sexual health, rearing children, owning businesses, education, home ownership, and careers – mostly on their own.  Sure there are usually some small circles available that a woman may or may not feel comfortable sharing but there is no collective mindset or medium to share best practices and lessons learned to aid the progress of black women.
We need some more Harriet Tubmans that are willing to risk it all to go back to show other women the way.  But it seems the more popular sentiment is to say, “Oh, I made it, so good luck to you! You’re on your own.”  And I am fully aware that this problem is not exclusive to black women and can be easily carried over as a black people problem.  But I see more discord among black women than black men in professional arenas so much they will act like they don’t see the only other black woman working in the office in an effort to maintain their position and status. I’ve heard too many instances of black women avoiding having lunch as to not be seen as black women having to be viewed as the two black women that hang out together.  Well, don’t look know, but white people go to lunch together all the time and often get promoted one behind the other.  My point is there is great power in shared experiences and knowledge.  So don’t be so reluctant to share your story focusing on what people may think about you.  After being helped by your story, they will probably be grateful and focus less on the your trees, and more on your forest.

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Black Women are Enablers

July 7, 2010 4 Comments

I am fully aware of the gross generalizations I make on behalf of black people.  It is done intentionally because it takes too much time to dissect the exceptions.  And everybody wants to be an exception but the majority of us fall in the generalizations hence the dire state of our communities and families.  As a result, I have decided to start a new column entitled “All BLACK Everything.”  Yes, I know I stole the title but it fits the contents.  Without any further ado, let’s get into it…

I would love to meet the first black woman who had a black man and after he cheated took him back.  I would love the meet the pioneer of enabling black men.  I’m sure he said he only loved her, and it was only one time, and he would never do it again.  I would bet he did it again.  In my mind, I imagine him telling his boys and his boys being like “word, son she didn’t kill you?” and he replying “not even, we had make-up sex that night and everything. Crazy, right?”  I imagine her heartbroken and confiding in her girls but only pointing out the good he does as she justifies the reasons to why she kept him.  Maybe she convinced these women it was the right thing to do too.  And when his boys cheated on her girls, these women too forgave those men and from there the sickness of enabling begin to spread.
Cheating is so commonplace nowadays it is almost expected.  Women expect to be cheated on and men expect to be forgiven time and time again. The lying- well, we almost encourage it.  Tell us anything but the truth.  At least that applies to half of black women, the other half prefer the truth.  So all a black man has to determine which woman you are- the one that needs to be lied to or the one that wants to hear the truth about his frequent indiscretions.  So why wouldn’t a man take advantage of this?  He can have both the woman he loves in addition to any others that may catch his eye along the way?  Hell, I would sign up for that myself.  After so much forgiving and loving, for the man it doesn’t even feel wrong after a while, the guilt fades eventually, and wrong becomes the standard.  Anything slightly above wrong is praised by his woman.  “Girl, as long as he knows I am his number one.  He comes home to me.”   Well, isn’t that what he is supposed to do??  And being one out of many is nothing to boast about in terms of a supposedly committed relationship.
What if black women had a standard of having to be the only? What if black men had to emotionally and physically commit to keep their woman?  I expect women would gain power and find strength in realizing their value.  I suppose black men would step up to the challenge because at the end of the day they want to be loved too.  And honestly, it only takes one self-respecting woman that knows her worth to replace the twenty that didn’t.
I can’t help but wonder if the pioneer of enabling had simply cut her losses and kept it moving and left her man alone to wallow in his regret and comprehend the severity of his actions.  I wonder if he would have take the lessons he learned in that failed relationship into his next promising himself to not ever make that mistake again because cheating actually cost him much more than it was worth…

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Girl I Don’t Want Your Man: The Sisterhood Files, Part 1

June 14, 2010 1 Comment

Black women are often stigmatized with not being able to get along with each other.  In media, black women are often portrayed as aggressive, conniving, and manipulative- typically over a man.   Like most things, the overly perpetuated ideas streamed through media eventually will begin to hold some varying truth.
It didn’t used to always be this way.   Black women used belong to many social groups and circles compromised of only women that confided in one another.  They laughed together and loved one another.  Of course, they also gossiped, but would also give of themselves if the same person was in need.  Black women made a point to stick together because they understood then the power in their numbers.  They knew together they could bring about change in their communities, schools, and churches.  A few dared to even change the world.
But now you meet women who are constantly bragging that they don’t have any female friends.  According to these women, they prefer to hang with men to avoid the headache of friendships with women.  These headaches are usually associated with the aggressive, conniving, and manipulative behavior typically associated around some prized man.  In essence, the scarcity of the black men has diluted black sisterhood.  However, it should be seen as a weakness if a woman cannot maintain a healthy friendship with other women that are experiencing similar challenges and victories as their own.
Sans the fight for the prized man, it is really easy to enjoy the benefits that come with great female friends.  This sisterhood knows how to pick up the slack without words being exchanged- they simply understand.  These black women, instead of telling you, will automatically fix a loose a strap, or pull back stray strands of hair, or pick a piece of lent off your shirt to make sure you are looking your best.  These friendships are with the most resourceful people you’d ever know to ensure you successfully complete any project, to make sure you never overpay for any product or service, and to hold you accountable to your goals, dreams, and standards.  This sisterhood wants all included to not only look their best but be their best because they understand the power in their bond when everyone is one accord.  So this circle of black female friends took a vow to never fight over a man, they have bigger goals- they have a world to change.

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To the Black Men That Love Black Women

June 9, 2010 8 Comments

I know we live in a supposedly post-racial society.  Yeah… no, I don’t believe that.  I do believe that most relationship issues transcend race and ethnicity.  But there is something to be said about black men that still love black women.
Of course, there is a lot to love.  There are the natural curves that create a flawless silhouette, the wide range of beautiful browns, the full lips & full hips.  Yes, any man can appreciate that from afar.  But it takes a special black man to handle the intricacies that come with loving a black woman.
Black women, to say the least, are opinionated.  Well, all women are opinionated.  However, black women are just a tad more vocal with their opinions.  We speak our opinions just a smidge louder than others.  We often upgrade our opinions to full fledged facts.  We are valiant defenders of our facts, I mean opinions.  We own our opinions/facts until the death; not our death of course, but whoever’s death that doesn’t agree with our opinion (figuratively speaking, of course).
Black women are beautifully animated.  Yes we could just tell you how we feel in a very stoic, docile manner.  We could.  However, we feel like you will get our point a lot better if we point our fingers, roll our necks, and wave our hands in the air.  Black women are natural pantomimists, except we add words.  We can tell any story to our friends and make them feel like they were there when it happened.  It is a gift.  Unless, we are arguing, then maybe it is a curse.  Yes we do curse, I’m assuming more than others, but only for emphasis and sometimes alliteration like an orator.  Black women are orators.
Black women are honest.  Our sharp tongue cuts the fat and goes straight to the point.  There is never a question of where you stand with a black woman- she likes you or she doesn’t.  There is little gray area.  Don’t ask black women any questions if you are not prepared to handle the candid truth.  We are also psychic, often delivering our input prior to you asking.  We are helpful like that knowing you would need it at some point.
Black women love hard.  We love our men, our children, and our various affiliations.  We love so hard as to ensure the intended receiver feels it…even if we are not there.  We give endlessly, selflessly to make sure those we love are taken care of to the best of our ability.  Our love, so strong, creates a bridge between our abilities and our needs.  We take on the needs of the ones we love as our own.  Then we take nothing, add our love, to create more than enough, not for ourselves but for them- our loves.
Black women are loyal.  We cheer the loudest.  We go all out to make sure we properly represent what we are a part of.  This is just to ensure everyone knows what we support because we realize that plays a role in who we are.  We are so loyal we automatically expect loyalty.  It seems like a rational philosophy.  We are loyal to you, so be loyal to us.  Maybe that is our sole flaw.  So we corrected it to maintain our perfection.
Black women hold down black men that love black women down like no other.  To the beautiful black men that understand and accept all of this is our saving grace because he understands that black women will infinitely be part of who he is.

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