Marriage: Black Women’s Race to the Finish

I almost went a friend’s suggested title: “Black men stop being whores when you have a job, a degree, and you’re a nice guy after you were rejected the first 20 years of your life cause you weren’t a thug and now black women realize they can’t settle down with a thug and are now trying to rush and jump on you.” After several conversations with black men per yesterday’s post, it has brought to my attention that studious and now successful black men at times have felt neglected and rejected by black women.  Their stance is that educated black women literally followed Beyonce’s advice and looked for a soldier and overlooked the men trying to do things the right way.  I must say I was surprised to hear this sentiment from several men.

I am about two sneezes from 30 and unmarried, so I can’t lie and say I have never felt the pressure from others to hustle up a husband.  Therefore, I can easily understand how women as they get older tend to change their standards of their ideal, quixotic marriage with a man they renovated full of passion, lust, love, and intensity and go with a more practical option of respect, trust, and economic stability with the possibility of learning to love that man.  However, this change of perspective by some may be viewed as a sign of maturity, very few stop to think of how the overlooking of  a “good” man has affected him.  Yesterday, I heard everything from “black women don’t want a good man until they can’t have one” to “black women don’t really value education like they claim they do.”  Needless to say, I found myself defending all of black women most of the day.

But after thinking about this notion for some time, I found there is some validity in these claims.  We, as black women, typically chase after the man we know is the least good for us, until we grow tired of being constantly hurt and disappointed.  The time when one grows tired of nonsense varies from woman to woman and some smart women never feel the need to go that route at all.   But as we get older, we begin to reassess our lives, our relationships, and the lessons they have taught us and try to back paddle to rectify the damage done by our own choices.   Our eyes are then open to the gems I spoke of yesterday.  On your mark. Get set. Go. The amazing race to find, fetch, and marry the once overlooked men begins.  All bets are off.  All rules are broken in an effort to not to be the last woman standing or worse left eternally alone to live with your remorse for poor decisions made.

Some black men have told me explicitly that they have taken advantage of this amazing race.  They enjoy seeing the women, once admired but received no love, chase them.  Some of these women, they say, put up with more than a woman should and settle for much less than they deserve all in a futile effort to be called wife.  These good black men are fully aware of the significantly greater advantage they have and some have decided to use it to their benefit.  Sigh.  While that is frustrating and heartbreaking, it is bitterly understood.  Sadly, if this remains the case, everybody loses- both black men and black women.

It is my hope that those gems stay the course that made them the great black men they are today.  It is my desire that black women not allow time or age become the motivating factor for marriage, but that it is based on a solid friendship built on mutual love, respect, and admiration.  It is my wish that black women spend their time while single bettering themselves- professionally, academically, spiritually and financially.   Then you don’t have to race at all.  He will come to you.