7 Approaches I Hate: The Try and the Fail

When we were younger, it was easy to determine if a guy liked you through their actions.  The hitting, chasing, and pulling of ponytails were all clear signs of affection.  Most of these boys grew to men, and as such, their approach toward women matured.  However, sadly, some approaches have not matured and I am finding myself looking around in search for the monkey bars and jungle gym because surely you are not a grown man still using playground methods to get my attention.

The following accounts are true stories.

1)        Poking. No, not facebook poking or the grown folk poke, but a true-to-meaning poke. Why is your index finger assaulting my shoulder every 3 minutes as we are in this training session and you sat down next to me even after I avoided eye contact because I didn’t want to be bothered?  And now, I have to pretend to really care about what this presenter is saying because you are annoying me and my shoulder.

2)        Baby- oiled pictures. Not only does my shoulder get harassed, but dudes now harass my phone by sending pictures of them rubbed in baby oil looking like an audition picture for Playgirl.  I am so confused as to why you feel like if I was on the fence about you from jump this would be the deciding factor.  Well, it did help me to decide- it is a firm “hell no” now.

3)        Checking-in for no reason. Why are you giving me a play- by- play of your day?  We are not/have not/ will not be together in no shape, form, or fashion.  So, I don’t care that you are leaving work for lunch, had Panera Bread, and now are off about to jog then showering.  I don’t need any details.  If I care I will ask the generic ”How was your day?” And all I expect to hear is any variation of “it was fine.”

4)        Penis infomercials. You know how you are in the middle of a nice date, talking about politics, Haiti, and going green then all of a sudden he starts talking about how flat he lays it down in the bed.  Then he starts quoting Trey Songz and Drake.  I have confused written all over my face because I completely missed the segue from my reusable grocery bags to his penis.

5)        Respond to every tweet/status. For some people it doesn’t matter how irrelevant or personal the tweet is they somehow find a way to respond in some way.  I see you because you are forcing me to, but you are about as annoying as the poker.

6)        Random confessions of love. This happens more than I’d like to admit, but you really don’t know me well enough to be professing your love for me. And, no, being a facebook/twitter friend does not mean you know me, it means you know of me.  Knowing me in real-life is much more intricate and challenging than knowing the virtual me.

7)        Volunteering to do completely ridiculous things. Why are you on the floor trying to massage my feet?  My feet don’t even hurt. Get up please.  People can see you.

I am sure you have your own real life accounts…