Code of Silence

“soooo….you good?” he confidently beckoned still trying to find his breath.

“mmm, wonderful,” she replied.

He grinned, mentally patting himself on the back, as he moved toward kitchen. “Where do you keep your glasses, babe?”

“In the second cabinet from the left…on the top,” she answered.  The sound of fumbling cabinet doors brought her back to reality but still too exhausted to move just yet.  The snap back to reality stirred several questions to mind. Will he stay the night or give an “I got to go” excuse?   They have been dating for several months now and after much convincing, she decided to take the leap….again. She had been talking to her girls about the likelihood that was indeed about to go down- that she was ready.  And they had all but said he would leave immediately afterwards. However, she decided to go with her gut.  And just as she was about to question her decision, he interrupted her thoughts.

“Here you go, fruit punch,” he said.

“Thank you,” she replied trying to remain cool.  As he leaned over to kiss her, she demanded her cheeks not to turn red. Or to ask what she really wanted to know.  Would he stay and what this now meant in their relationship. But she knew it was too soon, so she would just have to play it cool.

The stirring in the bathroom initiates the feeling of defeat.  Instinctively, she mentally prepares for his departure soon. To her surprise, he returned to the bedroom wearing nothing more than what he had before.  Her mind was asking a million questions but she said nothing. Simply waited. Silently.

“Hey, I don’t want to seem rude, but,” her heart stopped as he spoke, rage already building up. This is why she wanted to wait, until she knew…knew for sure.  The emotional roller coaster was too much to handle. “…But would you mind if I watch Sports Center to catch the highlights from the game I missed earlier today. Just want to see if my team won, then I promise I will turn it off and come to bed,” he pleaded. She smiled and breathed relief. Then breathed possibility.

An hour after he had returned to bed, she found herself still awake taking in the moment. She had promised herself to just enjoy it and give it time before taking inventory. Her internal debates eventually lured her to sleep.

Violent turns and mumbled screams abruptly interrupted the stillness of the night.

“What’s wrong?” she exclaimed in panic.

He opened his eyes trying to find his bearings. “Oh nothing. I’m fine. Sorry.”

But she knew exactly what it was, he had just had the same dream every black man she had been with before had had. She named it The Black Man’s Nightmare- the one thing they had managed to come together and secure in a code of silence.  She had always wondered what brought on the violent sleep. And while she didn’t know the cause, she had mastered the cure. She reached out to him and pulled him close, kissed his face gently. The light strokes in the direction of his fade comforted him back to sleep holding her tightly.

With time and trust, all of her questions were answered without asking any questions. For him, the nightmares stopped, and well, that told him all he needed to know about her.