It seems marriage is the conversation of choice in every arena nowadays. I get it. We are getting older and people are concerned (read: paranoid) of ending up alone. It is upon this fear that any and all publications giving advice on how to become married-to not end up alone and bitter, is savagely devoured.
One of my favorite professors at Howard University stressed the importance of researching the author of literature. At the time with the tediousness of course work and time management, it seemed like a waste of time. I mean why can’t I just pick up the book, bypass any prefaces and publication information, and just begin reading?? However, any architect will tell you the details lie in the point of view. So when I finally read, Why You’re Not Married after several reposts on my newsfeeds, I was glad I didn’t have to dig to get her background and thus the perspective in which she approached the topic of a woman’s desire to be married.
After reading the title, and her background, I begin to digest the information she presented. And while I can appreciate, the deliberate shock factors to evoke an immediate response, the article’s tone was cynical and bitter. In essence, she was “the bitch” advising you not to take the road she did. Experience is a hell of a teacher, but sometimes our experiences, those people in which we interact, and relationships we develop are simply projections of who we are and how we value ourselves. The persona and expectations of marriage, gender roles, and family structure of a woman coming from a stable, loving home will be completely different from those of a woman coming out of a foster care system with a history of neglect… So from her perspective and how she approaches people and situations, I believe the information she presented was valid. I know several women with the mindset of wanting better than they are, so maybe that article spoke to them in a real way.
There was one sentiment, I did agree with McMillian on: marriage will make not you happy. You need to already be happy. So many women believe marriage will fix them and all of their life’s ills. You don’t have to be a three time divorcee to know it will not, if anything it will create more responsibility and its respective stresses. It is the complete and total end of “I.” The new focus is “we” and the consequences “my” actions have on “us.” I equate it to enrolling in a graduate program whereas the reward is indeed great, but the work is real and challenging at times. Even after graduation, you still have to study to stay proficient in your field.
What I am tired of reading is this sentiment that women should just keep their mouth closed and become these passive, weak, opinionless women in order to gain and keep a man. A real man is not intimidated by a woman that thinks for herself and has standards. As of matter of fact, he appreciates that as it separates her from the rest. I will go as far to say, if a black man was raised by a [loving] black woman- he expects it. He will either step up or fall back.
Here is my perspective in my 15 years of hands on research that will hopefully save women a lot of time and heartache. I have determined that there are really only two types of men on the planet- those that are in love with you and those who are not. Those men that are in love with you will cooperate [within reason] and/or take the path of less resistance. Those who are not in love with you will not cooperate or feel responsible for your feelings. It is really that simple. Real love can’t be manufactured; it simply is and then tended to constantly. But as always, all loving relationships begin with a sincere love of self.
The Mocha Café 