Considering the Source: A “Why You’re Not Married” Review

February 17, 2011 5 Comments

It seems marriage is the conversation of choice in every arena nowadays.  I get it.  We are getting older and people are concerned (read: paranoid) of ending up alone.  It is upon this fear that any and all publications giving advice on how to become married-to not end up alone and bitter, is savagely devoured.
One of my favorite professors at Howard University stressed the importance of researching the author of literature.  At the time with the tediousness of course work and time management, it seemed like a waste of time.  I mean why can’t I just pick up the book, bypass any prefaces and publication information, and just begin reading??  However, any architect will tell you the details lie in the point of view.  So when I finally read, Why You’re Not Married after several reposts on my newsfeeds, I was glad I didn’t have to dig to get her background and thus the perspective in which she approached the topic of a woman’s desire to be married.
After reading the title, and her background, I begin to digest the information she presented.  And while I can appreciate, the deliberate shock factors to evoke an immediate response, the article’s tone was cynical and bitter.  In essence, she was “the bitch” advising you not to take the road she did.  Experience is a hell of a teacher, but sometimes our experiences, those people in which we interact, and relationships we develop are simply projections of who we are and how we value ourselves.  The persona and expectations of marriage, gender roles, and family structure of a woman coming from a stable, loving home will be completely different from those of a woman coming out of a foster care system with a history of neglect…  So from her perspective and how she approaches people and situations, I believe the information she presented was valid.  I know several women with the mindset of wanting better than they are, so maybe that article spoke to them in a real way.
There was one sentiment, I did agree with McMillian on: marriage will make not you happy.  You need to already be happy.  So many women believe marriage will fix them and all of their life’s ills. You don’t have to be a three time divorcee to know it will not, if anything it will create more responsibility and its respective stresses.  It is the complete and total end of “I.”  The new focus is “we” and the consequences “my” actions have on “us.”  I equate it to enrolling in a graduate program whereas the reward is indeed great, but the work is real and challenging at times.  Even after graduation, you still have to study to stay proficient in your field.
What I am tired of reading is this sentiment that women should just keep their mouth closed and become these passive, weak, opinionless women in order to gain and keep a man.  A real man is not intimidated by a woman that thinks for herself and has standards.  As of matter of fact, he appreciates that as it separates her from the rest.  I will go as far to say, if a black man was raised by a [loving] black woman- he expects it.  He will either step up or fall back.
Here is my perspective in my 15 years of hands on research that will hopefully save women a lot of time and heartache.  I have determined that there are really only two types of men on the planet- those that are in love with you and those who are not.  Those men that are in love with you will cooperate [within reason]  and/or take the path of less resistance.  Those who are not in love with you will not cooperate or feel responsible for your feelings.  It is really that simple.  Real love can’t be manufactured; it simply is and then tended to constantly.  But as always, all loving relationships begin with a sincere love of self.

Filed under Ain't Feelin' It

Sorting Through The Rift: A Guide for Good Men Seeking Good Women

February 2, 2011 8 Comments

I consider it a privilege to have made friends with so many good men.  It is with my recent conversations with some of them that I have concluded one thing: Good Men are indeed looking for Good Women!  What a relief!  For a while there, I believed that good men often went with the ones who caught their attention regardless if the woman was a good one or not.  And well, we all are aware to what lengths a woman will go to get a man’s attention.  So I was surprised when several men explained that they actually want a woman of substance and quality- both of which are relative to each individual.
So then I asked “What is the problem??  What is so hard about finding a good woman- there are millions of them. I know plenty- all single and all beautiful- inside and out.”  It seems the problem successful, good men have is sorting through the rift- trying to determine which women are good from which ones are only good looking.
However, it seems most men go about looking for good women the same way they go about looking for one-nighters.  They go to the same places, use the same conversation, and wear the same fits yet somehow expect to garner quality girls out of the exact game used to garner boppers.
When I told a friend that he was too proud of his accomplishments, he was puzzled.  I explained that he was quick to respond with his profession and position when asked, “What do you do?”  He, like most men, enjoys catching happy hour with a tailored business suit, and clicking the keyless entry to his nice car.  They love the attention they receive and are proud of the success that has accompanied their hard work.  And while they should indeed be very proud, displaying the results will more often than not attract boppers more interested in the package than the person.  I told him that while I love dressing up and getting all fly, I would never date a guy that I meet at my best for two reasons a) I don’t always look like that and b) it is really easy to love and confuse the outer with the inner.  If a man catches me in my sweats and hoodie with my hair in a ponytail, he will get more of time than when I am in heels and a dress (back when I was still in the game, of course 🙂 )
My advice to him and other good men in his position is to play it down. “What down?” he questioned.  “Everything,” I answered.
Wardrobe: Instead of going to Happy Hour at one of the nicest restaurants in town wearing your nicest suit, maybe you should go in a casual button up and some slacks…or better yet, a red polo and khakis and make a name tag- look like you work for Target. Take note of who looks your way and how women respond to your approach.  Instant eliminator.  If and when you find one that is genuinely nice and interested after you introduce yourself and not rude, and doesn’t roll her eyes, and doesn’t pick up her phone to tweet that this dude from Target is trying to holla, and she isn’t laughing at you, then you proceed.
Profession: In no way do I promote lying at any point in any relationship, however sometimes successful men must become creative in answering the what you do for a living two minutes after meeting a girl.  Answering that question with doctor, lawyer, engineer, or business owner and you might as well have said your name was Money.  Instead of saying,” I’m a doctor,” tell her that you are a caregiver for the elderly or a public health advocate.  If you are a lawyer tell her that you are a social activist or a creative writer.  The point is to sound like you make the least amount of money possible.  The closer your job description sounds to volunteering, the better!
Places: Going to same type of spot night after night and weekend after weekend, you are only going to meet the same type of people if not see the same people all together.  Change it up.  Go to a museum on the weekend or catch a play after work, and really begin to broaden your network and meet some new faces and new personalities.  In doing this, you not only open the door to meet more quality people than the club offers but you heighten what you bring to the table as well.  Because once you meet this good, quality woman, she is going to want you to be able to talk about more than what you do for a living and what happened at the club last night.

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Filed under The Re-education