Putting a Cap On It

I wasn’t going to make this a personal post, but ahh well.  Let’s go.

I have a bad habit of throwing up things up in men’s face, specifically the men in which I enter long term relationships.  I know I am not the only one, which is the only solace I find in being this open.  I’ve always understood that people are not perfect therefore anytime you engage with people- imperfection will occur.  It is on this premise that I find it easy to forgive people that fall short of my expectation.  It is comes easy for everyone except those I love the most.  It is near impossible for those whom I have a complete emotional investment.
Forgiveness requires three things:  understanding, a willing heart, and the ability to forget.  The first two are no problem for me.  I have both an open mind and an open heart, it is the forgetting parts that gets me.  I believe the “forget” part of forgiveness often is taken out of context because I don’t believe it means a complete erasure of an event from memory.  Our memory serves to protect us from our past so some things need to be remembered and reflected upon so you are aware when you might need to leave a toxic and unfruitful situation.  However, I believe in relationships, to forget is simply to not hold on to it to pull out and throw out whenever deemed necessary or convenient, ESPECIALLY after the situation has been addressed and been reconciled by both parties.
I believe the reason for my lack of forgetting, in part, is that maybe the reconciliation wasn’t as mutual as I thought initially.  Some wounds take more time to heal.  In rather than being an adult and using my words to say “xyz is still bothering me.”  I calculatedly wait for the most opportune to throw out the issue in the person’s face.  They can’t see it coming that way.  Defenses go up.  Emotions run high.  It is really not productive or beneficial.  It ultimately closes the door of honest and open communication because it negates the safe zone that should be the foundation of a healthy relationship.  The safe zone is the place where you can be yourself, honest, open about anything trusting that the other person will keep those words, feelings, and actions protected.
So in effort to grow and be better than I am, I will follow Kevin Hart’s advice and put a cap on it. I will use my words to communicate how I feel instead of using them to declare war.  I will remember that love, real love, has no leverage against each other.

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2 Responses to Putting a Cap On It

  1. Could not agree more with your post. The number one reason for couples to split is the lack of good conflict resolution skills. I teach couples to make the problem the enemy, not your spouse. Instead adopt a collaborative problem solveing style. Your man is much more comforrtable with this method of problem solving and he feels as if he is part of the solution instead of the no good enemy.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • Thank you John! And I definitely agree that both people should be solution oriented instead of making each other the problem. I will definitely take that advice.

      As always blessings to you!

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