One Strike & You’re Out
August 25, 2010 3 Comments
Life is seldom perfect. People very rarely meet all of your expectations, unless you have no expectations at all. Nonetheless, we find a way to overcome challenges and find a way to keep smiling and enjoying life. We know eventually the tears will stop and better days are ahead. However, that tenacity to push through life doesn’t always translate into our relationships. A reader recently reached out to vent about her boyfriend who every time a problem comes up his solution is to leave the relationship. Sometimes there are valid reasons to leave, but most times men are just scared and lack emotional problem solving skills.
We, as people, have been trained to find the easiest route at all costs. It is the American way. It has translated into our education, careers, and our relationships. And with so many failed marriages, unstable homes, and absent fathers there is no wonder that men often feel the best solution to a problem is to run.
The abundance of women willing to jump in and take a woman’s place doesn’t make it any easier to convince a man to work through an issue. Thus the result of asking for out anytime there is any type of disagreement in an otherwise normal and healthy relationship. Little is publicized about the benefits of working through problems because very few nowadays get to the other side of their problems together. However, the bond and trust that evolves after facing obstacles, using your words to address them, and tackling the problems together is more than worthwhile and in essence becomes the foundation of a stable “we can work through anything” relationship!
The Mocha Café 
I would like to respectfully disagree with your comments thaat tend to be sexist in nature.
“Sometimes there are valid reasons to leave, but most times men are just scared and lack emotional problem solving skills.”
The number one complaint that I get in my practice from men about women is that women don’t make it safe for men to tell them the truth, especially if it has anything at all remotely critical of the woman. I find this overwhelmingly true as I visit blogs and give critiques of women in the mistakes that they make in their relationships with men. I have women coming out of the woodwork to pile on hate speech and all kinds of vile names that they call me. These same women attack their own men in the same fashion with the intent to teach the guy to never ever do it again. It is okay for the woman to critique the man, but God help the man who would dare critique any woman and his woman in particular. She will scream, call him names, cut him off sexually and/or cry. The man learns the lesson early and well and seethes in silence. All the woman has done is to effectively cut off all meaningful conversation between her and the guy which proves toxic for a relationship.
Man’s number one need is not sex but respect. It is the one thing that far too many women are loathe to give to her guy. She instead reserves the riight to be his “critic in chief”. Men need admiration from their women.
Women demand the right to say no at will to their husband’s sexual overtures but have no trouble at all depriving him of sex against his will. It is a violatiion of a man’s trust. Every time you force your man to nasturbate alone it breeds resentment on the part of the man.
Far too many women also deprive a man of specific sexual acts in bed because of their own misquided inhibitions. One such thing is a lot of women’s refusal to wear frillly lacy lingerie for their man. Men are visual creatures and the overwhelming desire of men is to see their women in frilly lingerie. The vast majority of women however wear deadly dull white nylon panties with no lace.
In part it is not the woman’s fault, it is the fault of our churches who teach little girls that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. This too often this has a life long debilitating effect on a woman’s sexuality.
The churches never teach the lessons from the Bible commanding us to have an outstanding sex life.
So ladies, if you want to have reasonable conflict resolution with your man, you have to be willing to listen to his complaints about you without attacking him but calmly disccuss them and work to resolve them. After all there are a lot of women willing to take your place. It can start by not feeling superior to your man and making condascending comments about men’s lack of conflict resolution skills.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
I definitely agree with Mr. Wilder.
If it’s serious enough, I’d leave the relationship as well.
It seems like ‘one strike’ of some sort is always keeping me FROM finding decent women, so why should I tolerate something from her that I know I wouldn’t get away with?