Giving It Up: How Soon Is Too Soon?
July 27, 2010 17 Comments
Men, typically, want one thing. Sex. It is the common denominator that binds race, hue, religion, sexual orientation, age, and socioeconomic background. Well, it is true. So it is a refreshing to a woman when a man comes along and wants MORE than that one thing. You know, these are the men that actually care about your well being, your interests, and your feelings. But upon first glance they all look the same. The men that care dress the same as the ones who don’t care at all. Both types of men go to the same restaurants, have memberships at the same gym, and get their hair cut at the same barber shop. So I can’t necessarily say I am upset with the woman that decided she was going to wait…no, not wait until she was married but waited until she was sure to which group he belonged.
Contrarily, the infamous 90-day rule of thumb seems ridiculous both in theory and practical application. A preset time limit, regardless of circumstance, seems like a recipe for disaster and disappointment. Moreover, it makes your body and those intimate interactions, a prize that can be won after a simple and basic challenge of merely waiting. I am infinitely more than that.
So that begs the question, “how soon is too soon to have sex?” This question is applicable to both men and women. For the men, how do you separate the hoes from the wives based on how easily the goods were obtained? And for the women, how do determine a man’s true intentions without making him wait? If you make him wait too long do you risk losing him altogether? Well, if he will leave because you want to be sure you can go ahead and scratch his name off the list.
I’m going to jump out there and say most men, even those that sincerely care about a woman, will not play a 90-day waiting game. However, a man that cares about you will wait until you are ready, whether that is 2 weeks down the line or until you are married. Maybe it is beyond caring if he waits until you are married because that is a special and rare love.
I do believe it is the woman’s responsibility to take value in her own body and make sure the man is worth her time and her most inner self. The man should show as much enthusiasm about outdoor activities as he does with indoor activities. He should invest in your well being. He should encourage your best. I know some may say, it is just sex and not that serious. But your body, man or woman should not be a free-for-all festival where anybody can have access. A good male friend of mine always says that because a woman has exactly what a man wants she has the power. Some admittedly abuse that power; however, the tragic cases are those that don’t know they even have any power. Well, knowledge is also power. And getting to know someone takes time and effort. So until we both know each other, whenever that time comes, that is how long it will take.
The Mocha Café 
As a married man, I say sex IS “that serious”. Marriages end every day because the people involved are sexually incompatible. I look at it as something to get out of the way to eliminate the awkwardness of not having gotten the panties yet. All that sexual tension and frontin’ just leads to a lot of bullshit. As far as how long one should wait…do you trust your judgment? Does it really take a month or 3 to really know someone or at least to make a good decision about them? If so, you need ot be alone and figure yourself out for a while because you’re using your time ineffectively and asking the wrong questions of people. In my dating history, women have usually given it up relatively quickly…none of them were hoes, either. That’s jsut where the vibe went and I’m a person who doesn’t really like to fuck around. While a real man cares about things other than sex, that doesn’t mean sex is at all marginalized or that there isn’t a need to get that out of the way. It’s extremely important. I’ve got female friends I don’t have sex with already…why would I need another one? I urge people to make responsible decisions with their bodies, but putting a time limit on intercourse is silly and really brings the relationship down in quality…nothing better than a love grown organically between two consenting (and willing) adults who are grown enoguh to trust their own instincts. If you can’t trust your own instincts, you need to work on that before worrying about trusting anybody else.
I think it takes more than just a vibe to decide if this is a person worthy of having sex with them. While I DO feel like you sense sexual compatibility from just a vibe, i don’t think you can determine character or intentions by intuition. I think that takes a significant amount of interactions to actually see the character of someone. And then there is the purpose that you mentioned, are you sexing towards a relationship or sexing just cause?? I am opposed to both I believe. Sex should not be the determining factor for a r’ship while it is very important once you are in there. But that goes back to the vibes plus actually taking the time, however much is needed, to get to know someone. I think that is completely separate then knowing oneself and just attracting losers. Just because a man only wants to smash does not mean he is a bad person it just may be not what you are looking for.
I think the gentlemen below have excellent points. I’m not saying it takes only a vibe to decide on sex. That comes after the initial “OK, I would have sex wit hthis person” point. That’s to be decided by yourself. However, all you have at the end of the day is your instinct. People are very talented at saying any and everything they feel they need to to get what they want, in sex, business, and everything else, so at the end of the day, the onus is on you to make a smart decision. When I mention the importance of sex in a relationship, while it isn’t everything, it means more than some are willing to admit. If my wife wasn’t the “best I ever had”, we wouldn’t be married…period. Otherwise, I might be thinking of someone else when we’re doing the do, and that’s no bueno. In my opinion, like Mr. Wilder said, I believe in a monogamous relationship pre-sex, even if that means neither of us are sleeping with anyone else at the moment, whether we’re truly in a “relationship” at that point or not because me hittin what another dude just hit the other day is NASTY to me…but that’s me. From what I see on other sites, some people think it’s cool to just sleep with several people during the same time period. But there needs to be an understanding about that from jump…you gotta also match values and thoughts on sex before doing it. And if we are dating and thsoe views don’t match up there are other fish in the sea…for the both of us.
I’ll also add that I think waiting a really long time to have sex in my opinion is based partially on the falsehood that women cannot be bad in bed so as men we should be happy with what we get when we get it. If I wait 2 months to have sex (and spend 2 months wortha date money cuz u know a lot of yall act like u can’t come out the pocket for a date) then the sex better be splendiferous (yes, splendiferous)…otherwise, I’ve itemized all the dinners we’ve had up to that point and you will be responsible financially both for your half as well as 25% of what I had to eat as well LOL
ahahahah! at this last add-on. I will say that I agree that the commitment to be monogamous needs to be in place before sex is entered. I believe that most women have sex first and try to figure out the logistics and boundaries AFTERWARD and that is just backwards and usually doesn’t work in their favor.
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I think that there is no real thing as too soon, so much as there is too EASY. Five hours of deep, stimulating conversation is different than the five hours from beginning to end of the club with a few dances. I completely agree that a designated waiting period is fairly ridic. Especially for grown, working class adults. If all I have to do is NOT completely get cut off in 90 days, I can just wait it out. Moreover, you might be serious about me, but your silly waiting period has me not taking you seriously, and thusly, I’m probably having sex with
a whole gang of them hoessomeone else in the interim. To say you’d like to wait til a non-time specific point in our relationship is much different and respectable. I wish sex wasn’t the main currency of our people, then. So much stock wouldn’t be put into then when or how manys and more on the why’s of your sexual status.Sincerely,
Mr. Fantastic
Sex is sadly used as a currency, a cheap or free one at that. and it is funny you mentioned sex with others during the interim because I was just having a conversation with a colleague if that negates him waiting for you. But you just made that point very clear, it DOES negate him holding out for you.
I tell my women clients to wait until there is a committed monogamous relationship. I agree that you need to value yourself and not just give it up. Explain to the guy on the first date that you love sex, but he is not getting any from you unless and until there is a committed relationship. If he runs the other way then good riddance. A guy who is seriously interested in a relatioinship will wait.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
John I love this as a rule of thumb! And I think it is good enough to address it early on rather than later so he can make his decision from there.
Personally even if the vibe is right, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna necessarily have sex with you. I need to be comfortable over a period of time, whether that be two weeks or two months. I don’t want the connection to be completely about lust. I’m not saying that everyone I have to sex with I have to LOVE but I want more than just the physical.
Hi Cocoa! Welcome to the cafe! 🙂 And I agree there should be a pattern of there before giving it up. But I don’t think Love is a good thing to have in place before it goes down. it makes the first time all the more special.
There’s no way to know when it’s too soon. I know people who waited forever and still got played. And those who jumped fast and found their soulmate. Life is funny like that. And people are too complex to set a standard for everyone.
a friend on facebook posted this and I couldn’t help but share.
Wow is all I can say. Women’s looseness has affected the livelihood and economic state of PROSTITUTES! That is absolutely something to marinate on. Are you easier and cheaper than a prostitute? Talk about doing it ALL wrong!
Hoes on Recession too ?? Call Obama up !!! This is turrible.
But I digress, there is a difference between waiting and holding out. I think John said it best when he said if its as cut and dry as a relationship, then the person has two options, tuck tail or step up. But “wait 90 days” is not the same as be committed to me and only me, it means do what you do til the time is up. I really wanna know if there are statistics on economic downturn of skip-skops.
Very interesting points.
I don’t believe there is a specific time limit. It all depends on the person, the current state of the relationship, and the maturity level of the individuals. Now let me adjust my halo and speak hypothetically. I may really dig a guy and we’re on the same page. We have talked about our expectations, our goals, and maybe even our possible future together. If I’m feeling him, I’m not waiting a stupid 90-days, rule or no rule. I just know when I’m ready for that step. What I consider too soon may be an eternity for another person, vice versa.
In conclusion, a chick will give it up whenever she feels its time.
Is there really no place for the casual fling or the friends with benefits type of relationship? Fine, this attitude is good for you, but why are you advocating it for everyone? We are all different and our interests and inclinations vary at different times in our lives. Yes, there are rules one should always stick to, such as do not engage in sexual or emotional abuse either as perpetrator or victim. But, shit does happen, and we either learn from it or ignore it. If an abusive upbringing leads to unhealthy adult behaviour, it is likely to express itself in more areas of life than just the sexual, and the remedy is not in some arbitrary set of strict rules, but rather in some appropriate course of therapy.
This totally risk-averse philosophy looks to me like the rules for a very restricted life, and I so much hope it is not a sign of a broader conservative backlash in sexual mores. I so much don’t want us to regress from the sexual revolution that was so hard won in the 1960’s and since. Ultimately, I think we have much more to gain from learning to deal with the risks entailed in personal and social freedom than from the stultifying half-life of strict sexual morals.