Loving the Pieces

Even the smartest of women can find themselves in the most bizarre and unhealthy situations with men.  There are sometimes situations where all of the knowledge is overshadowed by passion and stupidity.   If they are lucky, they get out before too much damage is done. However, sometimes the magnitude of the folly is not comprehended until the damage is near catastrophic and the heart is broken and her spirit is in pieces.  The most tragic cases are when damage is done and spirits are broken due to no fault of her own…

I am no exception.  I am not exempt from the folly on my part nor the damage forced upon me due to no fault of my own.

I love being back in D.C.  The dating pool has gone from 1 to 100 seemingly overnight.  There are the new and the old, all moving forward in their respective directions.  But I would be lying if I denied that something was missing.  Or maybe there is just much more there- more time elapsed, more stresses, more damage.  All I know is I feel a disconnect where there once was passion and, at times, love.  This unusual disconnect had been so heavy on my heart I reached out to a few people to find a possible reason and solution.

Two things said spoke to my spirit.  One, my best friend of 26 years reasoned that subconsciously I know the men that I am dating are not what I want long term and as such my heart won’t let me become emotionally involved.  She, though not a professional therapist, counseled that my detachment with men was a defense mechanism to prevent further damage.  My mind was now in control, and as a smart woman I did know that while these men are great, they are not great for me.

However, I still had a looming fear that when Mr. Great For Me came along that I would no longer know how to love that man.  I worried/worry about if I am capable of just trusting and put all of my fears of being hurt behind me as to not sabotage a good thing.  I wondered/wonder if I will even be able to recognize a good thing when I saw him because some of my heart is still in pieces.

All of these fears were at the forefront of my mind, when the one that hurt me most called.  Most women in my position would have just ignored the call but like love, forgiveness too, requires action.  In the mist of explaining to him how I was adjusting to being back in D.C., he asked how I was really doing and handling life.  So I begin to explain to him these fears and he immediately understood his role in some of the damaged caused.  And he said the second thing that spoke to my spirit.  He said, “I know it is hard, but don’t over-concern yourself with the how and the whys.  The right man for you will leave no doubt if you should trust him.  He will take the time to make his motives transparent.  And don’t deny yourself something real trying to pull it all together first.  You are still a diamond, and the right man for you will love the pieces.”