The Boyfriend with the Absent Father
July 8, 2010 7 Comments
Once upon a time I said wouldn’t ever date a guy whose father was not an active part in his life again. While I have strayed from that premise a few times since then, I still believe my theory behind my statement, for the most part, still holds true.
My theory, based on my experiences up to that point, was that men without an active father do not have a constant example of how a man should treat a woman. In my experiences, up to that point, I found myself fighting for the things that should have been a given. The things I was asking, in regards to chivalry, compromise, sacrifice, and effective communication, were foreign to them in the realm of relationships. These were non-issues in my relationships with men that did have an active father, and even more so when that father was in the home.
As I have grown older, I can look back and attribute some of the shortcomings for boyfriends with absent fathers simply to immaturity. Perhaps their maturity was delayed due to an absent father. It is both possible and plausible. However, I have discovered the greatest hindrance of a man learning how to properly love a woman is due to lack of exposure of such. It doesn’t need to be from his father, for even that can be a piss poor example, but the example has to come from someone he admires. I say the boyfriend must admire this person first because that is the only way another man’s actions can hold any value to the boyfriend to even desire to be better than he is. But this can go from wonderful to tragic, entrepreneur to dope boy, depending on the example. Nonetheless, a positive an example needs to be there, and it should be his father. Tragically, more often than not, that is not the case within our communities. And from that respect, I am glad my theory was a little off-base because it provides hope in an otherwise catastrophic situation. There is hope, and even the expectation, that cycles will be broken and new, more excellent principles will be established.
I have since dated men that have defied these odds and matured into better men, fathers, and significant others without the example from their fathers. And I tell you, where it may take a little longer and be a little harder for them to get there, when they are there, they are steadfast in their journey to be better men than their absent fathers. And after a while, defying odds and exceeding expectations becomes commonplace for him. He is then the example, not only for his children, but for his communities.
The Mocha Café 
Great post. My father was present in my life, but his father was not present in his…we had a tumultuous relationship with one another growing up (we’re cool now) and my mom and dad are now divorced due to his “rolling stone” tendencies, but he was always present in the household growing up. I think there is something to be said for growing up as a young man knowing there is another man in the household that can kick yo’ ass. It establishes checks and balances. In addition to that, my dad’s frat brothers also had strong family units and led by example, to the point I never questioned the idea that I would eventually get married and BE THERE to raise my seed. I think women owe it to themselves to check out a man’s family background and how absence or presence of a father has affected him. It can work in a number of ways. While my dad was there and set the example of the FATHER, his relationship with my mom taught me to not only be there, but to stand by my commitment to my wife as well as to my children. Again good post and great perspective on the subject.
You are so right Mr. Shaw. How the presence or absence of a father has effected him is the better and more telling question vs if his father was present or not. And this can go for men or women. Thanks for your feedback as always!
Over Generalize Much?
Your entire post hypes on the importance of the man role in teaching young men the issues of life, and how to treat women. But with that same hand you undermine the strength of a woman…
The sole parent and mother of the household is capable of and has shown over time the ability to instill positive values and morals in young boys. I mean who better to learn from how to treat women, than a woman?
And a father figure isn’t what makes someone mature or immature, or even contributes that greatly. Your life experiences do. How you approach, handle and learn from these experiences make you mature, and moreso who you are. All the while being fairly Independent of having “pops” at home.
I do generalize because it takes too much time to point out every exception and everyone wants to be an exception, and most are in fact not the exception. And you don’t need a study to show it is typically in the child’s best interest that both parents are in the home. And while to take absolutely nothing from single mothers, as a whole, they have not been successful in teaching men how to treat women. You have only to step outside the privileged black neighborhood to see that. But maybe it is easier to pretend it doesn’t exist. As for the rest of your comment, it has been addressed within the post.
Quote: “And while to take absolutely nothing from single mothers, as a whole, they have not been successful in teaching men how to treat women.”
If it is possible to contradict yourself AND make unfounded statements in the same breath. You have done it.
Where is your proof that products of single parent homes do not know how to treat women? What exactly is “how to treat women”. That is TERRIBLY subjective… Or are your ideals the “benchmark” on how a women should be treated by a man.
You may want to get over yourself.
I understand personally and generally understand the struggles that come along with being a single mother. It is not an easy job and i know many women that do the absolute best they can to make men out of boys. But it takes men to make men. It does not have to be the child’s father but some man must step up and guide that child along the way.
I have high standards and I make no apologies for that. And if you want to personally attack me then this is not the venue for it. If you want to be mask your eyes to black people’s social ills that is by all means your choice. But when you are ready to move past the rhetoric and move toward solution then and only then will you be further addressed.
this post is very usefull thx!