If I See Him with a White Woman
June 29, 2010 10 Comments
I have purposely skirted around this subject only making inferences in The White Man I Would Date and a little more direct in To the Black Men that Love Black Women. However, it has been requested several times that I tackle it head on, so here we go…
I am not against interracial dating. I am not against black men being with white women specifically either. Like I have said before, I love people- all races and ethnicities. I have been extremely blessed and enlightened by countless people outside of the black Diaspora. My world is definitely all the better because of my interactions and friendships with these different groups of people.
There is definitely a market for black men that maybe should date white women. They have grown up in predominantly white neighborhoods, went to predominantly white schools, subsequently their social circle is mostly comprised of white people. In this case, I would see it only as a natural progression to date white women. It just makes sense. In all honesty, his persona may not translate well with most black women anyway unless they grew up in a similar environment. I wouldn’t be mad, do what you do.
There are also some black men that have grown up in majority black environments, but for one reason or another they have had no success with black women. They have consistently tried to date black women, but for whatever reason have been vehemently rejected by black women. I would much rather this man date outside of his race and be happy than continue to become rejected by black women and grow chronically bitter.
However, if you went to Howard a Historically Black College or University, and you date/marry a white woman, my heart will break. It stings like alcohol on an open wound. It hurts like the last blow before the count begins and the fight is over. These men have are fully aware of the dire state of the black community, the lack of a stable black family units, and the scarcity of educated black men, and made a conscious decision to be with a woman outside of his race. This action says that in a pool of similar educational background, socioeconomic status, values, beliefs, and mores yet beautifully diverse black women not one was good enough for you. That level of rejection is devastating.
It has been said, in some 75 years we will all be one race. All cultures and ethnicities would have been blended to create a truly post-racial society. But what is wrong with race and ethnicity as long as it is not used as a means to oppress? The problem has not been race for all races bring a unique beauty to this world in which we live and love. The problem is that race is still used a social construct to systematically inhibit and destroy people. The black Diaspora is full of a rich and wonderful history and that story needs to be told. Our communities need to be restructured and revived and black families are the key to social and economic justice. We are dying and being killed off an alarming rate and can’t afford to wait 75 years to see what may happen.
For these strong black family units to prosper, see the Huxatables, then we as black people, men and women alike, need to stop doing things for show, status, or experimentation… like dating white women. While all black men that have received a formal education are esteemed, black men that have been formally educated at an HBCU are rare, precious, gems that black women want to hold dear and close to their heart. They are supposed to understand and sympathize with our plight. They are supposed to be part of our solution. So when you asked,” What would you do if I brought a white girlfriend to Howard’s our homecoming?” This is why I went off and got loud and said “I wish you would.” It was because we value you, I value you, for the great black man… no, the gem, you are and want to keep you for ourselves. We, black women, have raised you, sacrificed for you, supported you and now that you have your respective degrees and great jobs we are just looking for a return on our investment because so many others were lost along the way. But I want you to really understand this, honestly, if we didn’t love you we wouldn’t care.
The Mocha Café 
Pro-Black doesnt mean anti-everything-else and many people are scared to jump out there and promote US for US! Again good post. And dont give those suburban brothas a pass…i was in the burbs for most of my adolescence w/ very few sistas and just didnt really date seriously…i was raised to be into sistas specifically cuz thats what I came from. If you see ebauty in yourself, you make the effort to find a sista…while of course there are genuine functional interracial relationships, there are a lot of brothas and sistas out there lost, hating themselves, and using this “post-racial” nonsense as an excuse talkin about “they don’t see color”…if you’re Black you’ve “seen color” since you were old enough to walk basically. Thanks for takin em to church on this one.
You are so right, being Pro- Black, or Pro-America, or Pro your institution does not mean you are anti-everything else! Well said and I wanted to make sure that point was clear. And you are definitely preaching on those ones that are self-hating that should have been another paragraph. As usual your commentary is greatly appreciated.
Before I start, I will just make it known that my preference is, was, and always will be Black women. However, I have generally NOT gotten that same love in return from y’all…..and I also happened to go to a predominantly Black college (Howard, duh….lol) where there were supposedly ‘plenty’ of decent, educated Black women to choose from.
Problem is, in college, the women would rather have the thug-type man that isn’t worth a damn for any of this upbuilding and uplifting stuff you talked about. In college, most women aren’t actually checking for the good men. Women aren’t looking for a good man until they hit 30 and they’ve had their ‘fun’ (and had their hearts broken a few times) by those same no-good dudes that went to schools like Howard just because of “The Ratio”.
Honestly, I met more women at Howard that would tell me that they weren’t digging college men than ones that were. Where the heck is the love and the unity in that? How am I as a Black man supposed to reach back and look out for my Sistas and try to do my part in keeping Black love alive when it is the Black women who has been telling me for the last nine years that I am the one that is not worthy of even a DATE or a CONVERSATION with her?
Again….my preference remains toward Black women (I in fact have never had relations of ANY KIND with other races of women, and that includes the 13 months and counting I have been living in Korea), but nowadays I will go wherever I feel like I’m receiving love from. And should a Black woman have a problem with that being a woman of another race, maybe she or one of her friends shouldn’t have turned me away previously. It just seems like nobody cares about who the average Black man is dating until the possibility arises that it might not be a Black woman. Where is all this concern when that Brotha is actually trying to find a Sista to be with?
I felt I addressed this. But thank you for your additional input. You bring up some valid issues.
To play devil’s advocate, is that to say that if I went to
Howardan HBCU, graduated and went out into a still White-dominated workforce, as many of us do, found a co-worker with whom I could connect, found attractive and genuinely loved, but she was white, it would be a slap in the face ? Because by that token, its almost like, if you don’t marry an HBCU woman its a slap in the face.Or what about if I managed to find a Black woman who didn’t “act” black ? Does that create some sort of difference?
Or what if I marry a “Black” girl, from Howard, who lived in Slowe and Meridian, but claimed she was mixed with everything under the sun ? Who IS black ?
What if you have been raised to be not self-hating or self-discriminating, but rather, indifferent to race? What if you have never taken the time to be hung up on race enough to think whether someone not in your relationship gives a damn about who you lay your head down at night ??
Whew that was a lot of
HatingThought Provoking !!! Enjoy.Oh and @Some Guy Named Joel, I think it is unfair to say that in a population as HUGE as a college campus that is Howard, to perpetuate that ALL women wanted Ain’t Shit Niggas at all times. Its an impossibility and irrational. Much like Katt Williams said, it just means all the women YOU approached wanted ASNs. With that being said, time has passed, the world has changed, and I have used a lot of punctuation in this sentence, you can surely find someone in your world travels that wants to accompany you on them, Black or otherwise. But to say that certain women of any type are not “concerned” until you threaten to leave doesn’t make sense. 1)No one is truly concerned enough to that point if you’re going to make a personal choice that makes you happy. 2) To make the judgment that they don’t care before actually talking to them is unfair because you take the decision out their hands. They might have been concerned before AND after you said you were gonna leave the race but you didn’t give them a chance to explain.
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I went to Howard myself and had no problem with the ladies, despite not being the typical “thug” type. There were just as many chicks down for “regular guys” as there were going for thugs…the ones going for the thugs may have looked good but they ultimately weren’t the ones you wanted to be involved with in my experience.
@Mr. Fantastic I don’t think we as Black people commonly look at race so much as a “hangup” ot be concerned with so much as it being part of who we are. White people have the luxury not to be concerned with race…we do not and I welcome that…we are closer to our cultural identity…not as close as we could be but I identify with being African-American and there is something about identifying with the same struggle/experiences that no white woman could supply me.
As far as “acting Black” I managed to marry a sista that is basically from the same background…we both went to HBCUs and both were from ethnically diverse, yet suburban backgrounds. We both damn near blow up when “My Boo” by Ghost Town DJs comes on, but can also zone out to “Creep” by Radiohead together. Like dating for any race, it’s about finding someone who shares your experience. Too many Black people talk of “not seeing color” when choosing a partner but that’s nonsense to me…we as a people can’t afford to systematically dilute our offspring as if race does not matter when it does…we were already torn from our roots during slavery, so Blacks in the modern day buying into this “post-racial” garbage is a cause for concern.
If you honestly fall in love with someone of a different race by happenstance, fine, but too many of ours go after whites or “others” intentionally, seeking status or a conscious or subsconscious separation from their own culture. This is why people get looked at sideways for stepping otu so to speak. Black people should be the last to act as if race is a non-issue…we have a lot to be proud of between Black men and women to just sweep solidarity under the rug.
Mr. Shaw if you don’t go head and preach that! It is like you were all up in my mental mind!
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@ Mr. Fantastic:
I never said I was going to jump ship with Black women…..but I can kind of understand (but I don’t 100% agree with) the reasons why some Brothas that go that route do so.
Most of my life, I have been nicknamed everything from Carlton Banks to Braxton (from the Jamie Foxx show) to Urkel himself due to my generally proper/nerdy upbringing and demeanor…..and although all three characters are fictional……think about how women treated them on their respective TV shows. Now think about guys in real life that are like that and how women treat them. Kind of the same, right?
The whole reason I mentioned the “Black women don’t care who a Black man is dating” thing is because it has happened to me numerous times already. Those same women who would never give me any play back in school are some of the same ones talking shit on the sly when they see me with a RANDOM Korean woman in one of my Facebook pictures.
Like I’ve said before…..It’s real easy for a Black man to end up outside his race when there aren’t many Black women acting like they want him to stay.