Marriage: Black Women’s Race to the Finish

I almost went a friend’s suggested title: “Black men stop being whores when you have a job, a degree, and you’re a nice guy after you were rejected the first 20 years of your life cause you weren’t a thug and now black women realize they can’t settle down with a thug and are now trying to rush and jump on you.” After several conversations with black men per yesterday’s post, it has brought to my attention that studious and now successful black men at times have felt neglected and rejected by black women.  Their stance is that educated black women literally followed Beyonce’s advice and looked for a soldier and overlooked the men trying to do things the right way.  I must say I was surprised to hear this sentiment from several men.
I am about two sneezes from 30 and unmarried, so I can’t lie and say I have never felt the pressure from others to hustle up a husband.  Therefore, I can easily understand how women as they get older tend to change their standards of their ideal, quixotic marriage with a man they renovated full of passion, lust, love, and intensity and go with a more practical option of respect, trust, and economic stability with the possibility of learning to love that man.  However, this change of perspective by some may be viewed as a sign of maturity, very few stop to think of how the overlooking of  a “good” man has affected him.  Yesterday, I heard everything from “black women don’t want a good man until they can’t have one” to “black women don’t really value education like they claim they do.”  Needless to say, I found myself defending all of black women most of the day.
But after thinking about this notion for some time, I found there is some validity in these claims.  We, as black women, typically chase after the man we know is the least good for us, until we grow tired of being constantly hurt and disappointed.  The time when one grows tired of nonsense varies from woman to woman and some smart women never feel the need to go that route at all.   But as we get older, we begin to reassess our lives, our relationships, and the lessons they have taught us and try to back paddle to rectify the damage done by our own choices.   Our eyes are then open to the gems I spoke of yesterday.  On your mark. Get set. Go. The amazing race to find, fetch, and marry the once overlooked men begins.  All bets are off.  All rules are broken in an effort to not to be the last woman standing or worse left eternally alone to live with your remorse for poor decisions made.
Some black men have told me explicitly that they have taken advantage of this amazing race.  They enjoy seeing the women, once admired but received no love, chase them.  Some of these women, they say, put up with more than a woman should and settle for much less than they deserve all in a futile effort to be called wife.  These good black men are fully aware of the significantly greater advantage they have and some have decided to use it to their benefit.  Sigh.  While that is frustrating and heartbreaking, it is bitterly understood.  Sadly, if this remains the case, everybody loses- both black men and black women.
It is my hope that those gems stay the course that made them the great black men they are today.  It is my desire that black women not allow time or age become the motivating factor for marriage, but that it is based on a solid friendship built on mutual love, respect, and admiration.  It is my wish that black women spend their time while single bettering themselves- professionally, academically, spiritually and financially.   Then you don’t have to race at all.  He will come to you.

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If I See Him with a White Woman

I have purposely skirted around this subject only making inferences in The White Man I Would Date and a little more direct in To the Black Men that Love Black Women.  However, it has been requested several times that I tackle it head on, so here we go…
I am not against interracial dating.  I am not against black men being with white women specifically either.  Like I have said before, I love people- all races and ethnicities.  I have been extremely blessed and enlightened by countless people outside of the black Diaspora.  My world is definitely all the better because of my interactions and friendships with these different groups of people.
There is definitely a market for black men that maybe should date white women.  They have grown up in predominantly white neighborhoods, went to predominantly white schools, subsequently their social circle is mostly comprised of white people.  In this case, I would see it only as a natural progression to date white women.  It just makes sense.  In all honesty, his persona may not translate well with most black women anyway unless they grew up in a similar environment.  I wouldn’t be mad, do what you do.
There are also some black men that have grown up in majority black environments, but for one reason or another they have had no success with black women.  They have consistently tried to date black women, but for whatever reason have been vehemently rejected by black women.  I would much rather this man date outside of his race and be happy than continue to become rejected by black women and grow chronically bitter.
However, if you went to Howard a Historically Black College or University, and you date/marry a white woman, my heart will break.  It stings like alcohol on an open wound.   It hurts like the last blow before the count begins and the fight is over.  These men have are fully aware of the dire state of the black community, the lack of a stable black family units, and the scarcity of educated black men, and made a conscious decision to be with a woman outside of his race.  This action says that in a pool of similar educational background, socioeconomic status, values, beliefs, and mores yet beautifully diverse black women not one was good enough for you.  That level of rejection is devastating.
It has been said, in some 75 years we will all be one race.  All cultures and ethnicities would have been blended to create a truly post-racial society.  But what is wrong with race and ethnicity as long as it is not used as a means to oppress?  The problem has not been race for all races bring a unique beauty to this world in which we live and love.  The problem is that race is still used a social construct to systematically inhibit and destroy people.  The black Diaspora is full of a rich and wonderful history and that story needs to be told.  Our communities need to be restructured and revived and black families are the key to social and economic justice.  We are dying and being killed off an alarming rate and can’t afford to wait 75 years to see what may happen.
For these strong black family units to prosper, see the Huxatables, then we as black people, men and women alike, need to stop doing things for show, status, or experimentation… like dating white women.  While all black men that have received a formal education are esteemed, black men that have been formally educated at an HBCU are rare, precious, gems that black women want to hold dear and close to their heart.  They are supposed to understand and sympathize with our plight.   They are supposed to be part of our solution.  So when you asked,” What would you do if I brought a white girlfriend to Howard’s our homecoming?”   This is why I went off and got loud and said “I wish you would.”  It was because we value you, I value you, for the great black man… no, the gem, you are and want to keep you for ourselves.  We, black women, have raised you, sacrificed for you, supported you and now that you have your respective degrees and great jobs we are just looking for a return on our investment because so many others were lost along the way.  But I want you to really understand this, honestly, if we didn’t love you we wouldn’t care.

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His Walk

Life has no problem giving everyone its fair share of challenges.  While I believe life is beautiful journey full of more joys than sorrows, some days are just difficult to say the least.  During certain periods of time, one can be stripped of hope and become physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained.  It is difficult enough to continue on this journey hopeless, and fatal to walk with no faith in something bigger than man.  As a fervent believer in Christ, it is important to me that my significant other shares that same belief.
Don’t get me wrong, I have dated and loved some non-Christians. Actually, in my experiences, they have treated me better than Christians as they were more focused on being an overall good person rather than using religion as a scapegoat for continuously falling short. And while I deeply appreciate these men and the positive impact they have had on my life, it is detrimental for me to leave so much of myself outside the relationship.  Therefore, in order to make sure I never lose essence of my existence, I need someone walking in the same direction as me- towards Christ.  In his walk, he will encourage me, remind me, and support my own walk whenever life strikes a blow and I feel like I am losing my way.  And I promise to do the same.

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This Could Be Fun…

Welcome to another edition of Light Fridays

It seems the older people get the less they are willing to step out of their comfort zone in fear of looking foolish or silly.  Everyone wants to be cool and composed at all times.  But honestly, all of that effort to maintain outward composure and coolness makes one stiff and extremely boring.
I find it extremely disheartening when a man doesn’t know how to be a kid again and just have fun.  A man that is not afraid to get dirty, wet, or break a nail while laughing at it all is a man after my own heart.  Some men sit on the sidelines and complain about how wack doing something is while watching the uninhibited people have all the fun.  Then there are those that need Hennessey (or whatever their vice is) to have a good time.  They only let loose when alcohol is involved, and to me that is wack.  Actually, the coolest men to be around or those that don’t need to be entertained but can entertain themselves and others by just having plain ol’ fun.
So this is to all the men that still do the running man, go in on karaoke, run and play at the park, would see if they can still hula hoop, eats Mike and Ikes, start water gun fights, slam-dunks people in the pool, and know how to have good, clean fun because I don’t want to have all the fun by myself…but I will!

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The Gamble: An Open Letter to Him

Sometimes, I just need a break.  It is not that I am not interested in you or don’t think you are wonderful; I just need some time away to better myself.  You, men, are a distraction that right now I can’t afford to have. You, men, can easily take time off to pursue your academic and professional endeavors, but I, a woman, receive the side-eye when I say right now that last thing on my mind is dating.  No, I am not jaded or bitter.  I am merely not interested…at least not right now…I can’t right now.
I am past the point in my life where I am dating for the sake of dating, so when I date, I will date with purpose.  I already know the type of men I am attracted to which is the same type of men I attract: the ambitious.  Well actually anyone can be ambitious, but I have a tendency to fall in love with the ones that have ambition and actively pursue their dreams.   These men that steal my heart will inevitably become the leaders that shape our world for the better.
But I have to ensure I have some things to of my own to bring to the table.  My profound thoughts, my accomplishments, my realized potential, my satisfaction are all things I want…no, that I need to bring to the table in my next relationship.  And now, I am lacking in some areas.  So despite of my love for you, I don’t think it is fair to you or to me to put myself in a situation where resentment may grow and fester.  I know you are thinking, we can do this together. We probably could or there is the slight chance that my dreams may get lost in the shuffle of life and love.  I can’t let that happen again.  Time is too precious and too sparse.  Subsequently, I will be over here working, writing, schooling, and achieving until I am satisfied with what I bring to the table of excellence.  I will do this until success no longer feels like the grind but routine.  In the meantime, I will be having the time of life.  I will do everything I want to do.  I will invite you along and vice versa, but the feelings, emotions, and commitment will be left at the coat check.  And I can only pray that you, Mr. Perfect for Me, will still be there when I am ready to go with you.

Trickin’, Sponsorships, & Taking Care: The Breakdown

A good friend at frontfree always says “it is indeed still trickin’ if you got it, even more so.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  But how do you draw the fine lines between what is trickin’, sponsorship, and simply taking good care of your woman?  I got the breakdown.
Trickin’: It is trickin’ if a man is spending  exorbitant amounts of money on a woman and getting little to nothing in return.  This woman may or may not be having sex with you but that doesn’t matter to the man because he is mostly in it for the enjoyment and/or attractiveness of her company.  The most distinguishing of factors are a lack of any kind of relationship and the woman has little to no respect for the man.  The man may also have little to no respect for the woman.  But respect is not a factor, only money and the things his money can buy are important to her.
Sponsorship: Well, sponsors donate to make an event happen or better.  In exchange for running a marathon, or hosting a charity gala, or promoting a cause companies will graciously donate money and services in exchange for involvement and advertisement.  Similarly, women who have sponsors are exchanging services for goods or goods for services.  I’m not calling anyone a ho or anything, I am just saying you have to be doing something to be sponsored.  Even if the interests and rewards are lopsided, both parties must gain something of value, otherwise please refer to trickin.
Taking Care of a Woman: Whereas any ole body will do for the previous categories, she only accepts gifts from one man.  They are in a committed relationship and love and respect each other.  He is willing to do anything for her because she is willing to do anything for him.  She has proven and established her worth and he recognizes it.  Any woman can have a dude trickin or get a sponsor, but it takes a special lady to have the only man she respects and loves make sure that he gives her the best of whatever he has.

The Sprung Man Syndrome

Women are not the only ones capable of becoming too wrapped up in a relationship or man and catching the Clingy Girl Syndrome (CGS). Everyday another man is lost to the whip appeal of a woman and thus becomes sprung.  When men love, they can easily go harder than any woman and develop a severe case of Sprung Man Syndrome (SMS).
While all women say they want to be loved and adored yet continuously date men that treat them the complete opposite, constant and continuous tending to is nothing short of annoying.  Here are few surefire ways to keep your manhood…and keep her interest.
1) Say NO every 20th time. I know the ladies are not going to feel me on this, but I must say it because it is true.  As a man, you can NOT do whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants.  ALL women will abuse your niceness.  So you have to systematically exercise your mandom and just say no.  If you are unsure when to apply your no’s just go with every 20th request.  I don’t care if it is something you would normally do without thought.  She comes in and asks ever so sweetly, “Babe, you mind helping me out with the rest of the groceries in the car?”  You check your tally and if this is the 20th request you reply in the sweetest way possible “No,” and watch her struggle and act like you are really into Pardon the Interruption.  You will be called every name in the book, but you will maintain your mandom.
2) Be unavailable: Do you find yourself picking up her call before the first ring is even complete?   Stop that.  Just don’t answer sometimes. It is okay, she will be alright.  I am by NO means saying cheat or lead her to believe you are cheating, but just be busy doing other things sometimes.  Play basketball, enjoy a round of golf, read a book at the library, or do whatever you did before her to relax and enjoy yourself.  These are things that attracted her to you in the first place.
3) The Even Exchange: Don’t let her continue to drag you to every chick flick and not make her watch your dumb guy movies.  You have to go shopping with her then she has to watch the game later with you.  I realize these are gross generalizations, but you get the idea.  Relationships can easily become full of compromises where one no longer recognizes the other, or it can be a beautiful combination of who you both already are.
Be a beautiful combination.

Painting a Perfect Picture: The Art of Dating

It seems dating is a lost art.  Once upon a time, a man had to woo and court a woman to get her allegiance.  Men took pride in going all out to win the heart of a woman.  Nowadays, dates have been reduced to movie night at each other’s house.  Or if you are lucky, you will get dinner at Cheddar’s or some other generic low-end restaurant chain.
I personally don’t date or attract the men that think this is acceptable, but that is a post for another day.  Nevertheless, I am not sure if the problem is more of the men not knowing how it should be done or the women that are easily amused and impressed.  Either way, here are some examples of dates done right because some of you don’t have a clue.
Best date– Actually it was our very first date and he set quite the standard.  While living in Dallas, I had a habit of frequenting Houston, to get away from the boredom of Dallas’ social scene.  So when he asked if I could make it down one particular Friday, I was down.  I sneaked out of work early to beat some of the traffic, made it to Houston, and begin to get dressed.   I had no idea what the night had in store, so I decided dressy casual was the way to go. So when he picked me up (that’s right, he needs to pick you up, not you drive, and not you meet him there.  I don’t care how high gas is or how out of the way it may be,) he was very relaxed and laid back and set that set the tone for the entire night… so I thought.  The first stop was a very quaint and intimate Thai restaurant.  I asked him how he knew I loved Thai food.  He said I mentioned it once.  So I decided my entrée and told him.  When the waiter came, he ordered for us. So we began to talk and the chemistry was just crazy.  The food was superb.  We sat there for a while just enjoying each other’s conversation.   Then he asked if I was up for some live music, and I reply yes, of course.  I thought we were headed to a nice jazz spot or something along those lines, but we made our way to a bigger venue.  I immediately see signs for Jazmine Sullivan and I was like oh okay, this will be cool.   But as we make our way to our floor seats, she is already performing so I am thinking we were late, though it was no big deal because of the great conversation.   She finishes and everyone around us is getting excited about the next act, but no one is saying the name of the artist.  It was a crazy conspiracy.  Imagine my face when the music begins to play for “‘Til the Cops Come Knockin’,” Maxwell’s first single.  Yeah, he said it was priceless too.  You see, I LOVE surprises and this was just beyond amazing.  Later, after I had composed myself, I asked how he knew I loved Maxwell, and he replied I had mentioned once on a facebook status.  His attention to detail was leaps and bounds more than what I had expected for our first date.  So after the Maxwell concert, yes there is more, he took me to a little hole in a wall place that had the best root beer floats.  And we continued to talk, although honestly by this point I was flabbergasted and very short on complete thoughts. When we eventually made our way back to where I was staying, and he got out of the car and walked me to my entrance.   We exchanged a sweet and simple kiss and he went home.  There was no mentioning of sex, no trying to stay, or anything to ruin the innocence of this perfect date.  He was the perfect gentleman. Yeah, I may need to go ahead and marry him.
Anyway, I know you are probably thinking it is easy to be romantic with lots of money so I will give you a quick example of the best free date I have ever had.  It was my freshman year in college when no one had any money or a car.  Despite this, the gentleman still came to my dorm to get me so we could walk to the metro (DC train and bus system) together.  We ended up near the Lincoln Memorial and we begin to walk and talk.  As we went along the way, he would give me some history about some of the landmarks.  I asked him how he knew the information and he said he looked it up the day before. I told him I had done a few of the city tours before with my family.  He said he had figured that, but asked if I had ever seen the national mall at night?  I looked around and noticed the sun was indeed setting.  We continued to talk and walk until we made it to the US Capitol building.  He was right.  It was breathtaking at night.  His thoughtfulness and that view was the perfect gift.
What were some of your best dates?  What is the greatest thing a man has done to win you?

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The Kardashian Effect

Welcome to another edition of Light Fridays

All I do is Win, Win, Win

I don’t know who is a greater coach, Phil Jackson or Kim & Khloe Kardashian.  While Phil Jackson is often hailed as one of the greatest coaches in sports history, I would argue that Kim & Khloe may be the greatest coaches in groupie girl friend/wife history.  Phil Jackson has racked up an amazing 11 championships over his 21 years as a head coach in the NBA.  However, almost equally amazing, the Kardashians have racked up 3 championships in a little over a year in both the NBA and the NFL, and they have never even played either sport professionally.  Regardless of how you choose to digest their rise to fame, one must take notice they have a knack for making the ordinary, superstars.
Reggie Bush would have undoubtedly held his own as a superstar athlete if he had been consistently good and not injury ridden, but this was not the case.  Without the help of Kim Kardashian, Reggie Bush’s fame would have diminished in the first quarter of 2008 as he would have made the list of the overly hyped college athlete that has failed to make the transition to the NFL.  But Kim continued to believe in him and decided to use her notoriety to advance Reggie to a celebrity athlete regardless of his subpar NFL career.  This was not the first time Kim Kardashian gave of herself to help a boyfriend sell a record in need.  Kim’s Ray J project did wonders for his celebrity status despite his overall lack of talent.  It was

Contenders for Coaches of the Year??? Why not.

only natural for Khloe to follow in her big sister’s footsteps and use the family name to build her own celebrity and scout mediocre athlete, Lamar Odom, to mold into her own celebrity athlete.

But the Kardashians provide a great example to women who want men to have it all before they get with them.  He must already have the accolades, great job, houses, and cars before a date is even considered.  These women welcomed the challenge of making the mundane, stand out.  The confidence Kim & Khole injected in their men off the court/field, inspired a more definitive role on the court/field.  A year later, they have 3 rings between the two of them to prove it.  Maybe you are just the woman to coach him into greatness.

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She’s Single for the Night

Not all women use sex to audition for a relationship. Some women see sex as just sex. There are no emotions involved on their end. There are no phone calls the next day or the next week. As of matter, of fact these women don’t even call but reduce all communication to text -time, date, and place. She wants no hugs, no elongated kisses, and no lingering. And no, these women don’t deserve the label of whore just because they know exactly what they want and the exact means to get it.

The prey for tonight has been spot. The lure begins.

Some women enjoy the game- the chase, the lure, and the catch. And no, they are not bitter and lashing out vaginally, they just don’t desire the headache of a relationship. They are simply wired differently, like Sex in the City’s Samantha. Like the leading cast would suggest, the odds of finding a woman capable of getting in and keep it moving is probably 1 out of 4. Most will become emotionally invested on some level. And while most men dream of finding women capable of recreational sex, these same men are often crushed when they find out they are only prey caught in her trap.
Some women are jaded and are lashing out vaginally. They were hurt one too many times and now are numb to it all. They use sex to band-aid emotional, physical, and psychological scars. It is a quick fix for these women like a drug, alcohol, or shopping. However, their lack of emotion is not by choice, they simply have no more emotions to give.
Some women are just cheating. These women may be in love or not, but they are certainly bored with their home life…and their man. Like men, some women cheat just to see how long they can go before getting caught. It is an adrindinle rush to these thrill-chasers. While it is an affair, it is only a physical one void of any emotional or love. And if by some chance, she gets caught by messing with a crazy stalker dude, this is the defense she will give- the same one her last boyfriend gave her.