Need Water?

Welcome to another edition of Light Fridays

It is Memorial Day Weekend which unofficially marks the beginning of summer.  Pool parties, barbeques, and all-white rooftop soirees are all in full swing.  Everyone is going out a little more, staying out a little later, dressing a little less, and dancing a little harder.  Dudes are also a little more thirsty.

this man will have you being thirsty while he is stealing your girl.

Some men are thirsty year-round, every day, super committed to the chase and to being thirsty.  Those are easy to spot and avoid.  However, it is the men that were cool and confident all winter that with the summer activities turn them into begging puppies.  There is nothing more of a turn-off than 8 consecutive calls or texts from a man desperate to see you. I personally blame the heat- there is no other logical explanation.
So today’s post is for the men. I don’t want you to be that pressed dude that has his pressed texts read out loud to a room full of friends and then laughed at for the rest of the night.  You don’t want to be that guy. So here is a how-to guide to avoid humiliation and to hopefully achieve the desired result- the girl.
1)      Plan Ahead. Please don’t wait until the liquor has taken full control of your fingers before you try and scrounge up next the move after the club.  Hit up your jump-off friend early in the day to see if she has plans for later.  If she is not interested at 2p.m (as opposed to 2a.m) you can keep it moving and hit up the next person on your jump-off friend list.  If you wait until 2am and that friend is not available your options are now limited.  Plus the liquor has taken control and your brain is no longer processing the word “no.”  And so after the 3rd rejection, your fragile man pride will not allow you to give up and call it a night so you continue to call and/or text until 4:57am in the morning.  Meanwhile, the friend you were trying to reach is reading the messages to the dude she did spend her time with that night.  You see how this makes you a loser?
2)      Assume the Yes. Confidence works wonders.  Some men are born with it while others pick it up along the way.  There are the dudes that hit girls up with the “what you up to tonight?” and fumble their way around to indirectly ask if the girl is willing to going out with them. These are the losers, maybe not in life but definitely in regards to dating. Then there are the dudes that hit you up with “I will be there at 8pm. Dress up.”  The latter guy will have the girl rearranging any plans previously made, getting off work early to get her hair done so that she is ready by 7:55pm.  This guy is a winner.  He is used to winning.  He is confident that the girl will say yes, and she does.
3)       Save Face for Another Day. She might be interested but just not available. If she doesn’t volunteer why that will not work don’t ask too many questions.  Just say okay and ask her to hit up when she is available. If she is interested, she will. Either way, you are not labeled “Do Not Answer” in her phone, “Loser” in her mind, and able to try again another day with your pride intact.

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I’m the Reason His Phone is Locked

There was once a time, believe or not, he left his phone unlocked and unguarded for hours at a time while he played madden.  It was never an issue for either of us.  I don’t know what prompted me to check his phone the first time.  Maybe it was an inappropriate look when he was reading a message or a maybe a dismal of my feelings at the moment.   I don’t know if it was just learned behavior.
He was real open back then- would answer questions without any hesitation.  It was easy for him to love and trust.  He had no fears of being hurt or broken.  Words from someone he loved had never emasculated him.  He had never doubted his ability to be a man because it was never questioned or threatened before…before me.
I’m the reason you had to work so hard for him even though you were doing everything right.  You reminded him too much of me…and the pain that I accompanied.  I’m the reason he preferred the girls that required little to nothing to him for so long after me, and well, before you.
I’m also the reason he is patient with you.   He is slow to anger now.  You see, every issue you bring up now, I have already brought up.  I’ve already explained to him how regardless of his lack of understanding that feelings are to be respected within a relationship.  Yeah, we had that argument a many of time so that is no longer an issue for you.
He is a better communicator thanks to me as well.  He no longer bottles up his frustrations to protect his pride.  He knows that love requires action now.  He is thoughtful and considerate because I taught him that women need to be reassured they are loved  sometimes- well actually often.  I explained that, yes, even though you provide with no complaints, it is the little, smaller things that makes us smile.
So yes, his phone is locked now.  He thinks it is to avoid any unnecessary arguments.  But he is also a better man now.
You can thank me later.

I Was Almost a Hoe

ALMOST! It was a close call, I can admit that. Around age 15 or 16, I thought I was grown, like most young girls I suppose.   I wanted the opportunity to make my own decisions, act on my impulses, and go with the crowd.  The crowd. The crowd can easily unravel all of the teachings, support, and love of your parents.
I had a few saving graces.  But there were a few ladies, 8-15 years older than me, who played the greatest role in saving me from my inevitable hoe-dom.  At the time, the term “mentor” meant nothing to me.  It was some abstract, farfetched idea.  Plus, I thought I was grown, and I saw these ladies as my peers.  As I look back, I can laugh at my stupidity.  Yet, I applaud myself for doing one thing right, watching these ladies.
I don’t didn’t listen.  Well, I knew everything there was to know at the time. Nevertheless, I was a watcher.  In watching these ladies, I was able to discern when it was okay to cross my legs at my thighs and when they needed only to be crossed at the ankles.  With time, my shorts grew longer, and my shirts became less tight.  I was more aware of the signals I sent and gained control of those messages.   In watching their decisions with dating and eventually marrying men, it established a tangible standard of what a date should encompass and how a man should treat a lady…and her friends.  They taught me the delicacy of lady-hood.
Yes, my beautiful mother had already told me all of these things countless times.  But I was a child to her- her child.  These ladies, in my youthful eyes were my friends.  They never chastised me or dismissed my ability to make sound decisions.  They just kept calling me lady.  “What are you doing, lady?”  “How was your day, lady?” “I am about to come pick you up, lady.”  Eventually, I became one.

How Big Does it Need to Be?

In a world of glitz and glam, it is hard to keep up with the quota set by multimillionaire celebrities.  Not only does our labels  need to match those of adored celebrities, but men are now feeling the pressure to also size up accordingly.  With each new public engagement, the size of the diamond ring grows as to not be outdone by the previous proposal.   However, those unrealistic expectations for the 15 carat pink emerald cut diamond rings have trickled down to the barely, recession-ridden middle class.   New graduates that are ready to wed on entry level salaries, student loan debt in tow, now must have to tack on the weight and price to adequately propose to love of his life.

If you can't get me this then I'm not marrying you...loser!

So my question to the ladies is “how big does it have to be?”  I am all for nice things- quantity without sacrificing quality.  I understand that is hard to convince people your man is head over heels in love with you without the carats to prove it.  However, for me the ring is a lifelong investment and not a onetime purchase.
Initially, I don’t even need an engagement ring.  It is to show others, not for the bride to be.  I will prefer for that money to go toward eliminating any debt before we enter a lifelong union.  I much rather have a huge beautiful home- something that builds equity.  A nice wedding ring is necessary but something reasonable and within the groom’s budget.
However, once we continue to grow as a union, the [conflict-free] diamonds will be added.  Because I think the ring is a symbol of our lifelong commitment, then there will be time at different intervals to invest more into the wedding ring.  For example, an additional band could be added for the 5 year anniversary.  More diamonds will added for the 10 year and by the time we have been married 50 years the ring will be massive.  But hell, by that point, I would have EARNED it and the ring will be a symbol of not only of the love shared but of the trials endured, sacrifices made, and the vows upheld.

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The Re-Up

Welcome to another edition of Light Fridays

After a brutal winter, it finally looks like the warmth is here to stay for a while.  If you are like me, with the arrival of spring, you began to sort through your clothing items.  I like to make piles before I pack up the clothes from the previous seasons to go through each item to determine what are keepers and what is too worn to make it another season.
Spring is also a good point to take inventory of any goals made at the start of the year.  I like to evaluate what I have accomplished and what I still need to do in order to move forward.  I try to toss out any habits that do not yield a desired result.  This said with ease is performed with extreme difficulty.
Lastly, I take the time to assess the people in my day-to-day interactions both personally and professionally.  And while, I feel everybody has some [known or unknown] purpose, some may have been assigned the wrong role in my life.  Some may have been given the lead role when they only deserved to be a background prop.  Others I put backstage, when they really deserved to be the star.
With that said, I compiled a mini list of things I am going to re-up on to make this summer fabulous:
New Places: There is always something new to do.  It is so easy to find yourself going to same places out of convenience and popularity.  So this summer, I am re-upping by visiting places I have never been and eating new dishes to expand both experiences and my palate. It’s a win- win.
New People: I’m not clubber… well, not frequently at least.  But I do love to meet new people, which is hard to do while hanging at the same places.  So this season, I am dedicated to making new acquaintances, expanding my network, and diversifying my cultural awareness.
New Fun: Life ain’t worth living if you are not having fun!  So I want to have even more fun. I know, it’s crazy. But I will leave my fears and inhibitions at the door to make sure I don’t forget how to laugh, dance, and do the things that don’t make the resume but that makes life.
Also, I will be answering the questions from the formspring link to your right sometime this weekend, so if you have any questions hit up the link.

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There is a Man

It would be easier for me to write about the dude who blatantly and repeatedly denied the paternity of his son since it is on the forefront of my brain right now…
However, I would rather tell you the story about the man, who when needed, interceded on behalf of another man that chose to be absent during the pregnancy of his child.  This man cooked, cleaned, and carried the load of a friend that couldn’t do it all at the time. This man had no relation to this woman he decided to help and asked nothing in return; he just saw a need and decided to step in…or rather, step up.
And then I got to thinking about the man, who works days, go to school at night, and mentors at the community center on Saturday mornings.  He teaches young boys how to enhance their math, reading, and writing skills.  However, his presence teaches them a greater lesson: that you can be cool, black, young and successful without being an athlete, rapper, or entertainer.  You see, he designs video games, and to these kids, he is way cooler than Kobe.
There is a man who takes pride in taking care of his child.  He loves to play with him.  He refuses to let his frayed relationship with the child’s mother interfere with the quality time he spends with his child.  The idea of being a “weekend father” is ridiculous and insufficient to meet his standard of fatherhood…of manhood.
There is also a man, who decided to marry the love of his life.  He felt she deserved the title since she performed the duties.  He made the conscious decision if he started a family, it would be with her under the umbrella of marriage.  He is committed to this one woman.  She is his best friend.   When she has a long day, he rubs her head until she falls asleep in her lap. This makes his day.
These men are under 30, degreed, drug-free, noncriminal, successful….and are black.  But their story will never be told because the world doesn’t want you to know they exist.

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Sex: The Relationship Audition

A committed relationship before sex? It is 2010 and it seems like an unrealistic notion.  With each year, sex becomes more and more casual. “No strings attached” has taken a literal turn for both men and women alike.  Well maybe, it is still just for the men.  While the feminist movement continues to liberate women of their sexual inhibitions, freeing women of the stigmas of labels of whore and slut, these women are now free-spirited, finding herself, and simply enjoying life.  And some may, but that number is minute in comparison to the women that use sex to audition for the coveted committed and fulfilling relationship.
Once upon a time, and a land far, far away, a man had to at the very least be your boyfriend before a lady would engage in sexual activity with him.  Only 20 years ago, that standard was low.  Today, that standard is non-existent.  The lack of commitment required before sex is detrimental, not only for the sake of the moral barometer, but also because women have allowed men to substitute casual, unattached sex for the desired intimacy found only in committed relationships. With all of the progression, education, pay increases, and equal rights, women still want more- they still want a man’s sole devotion.  It has gone from simply wearing seductive clothes to working out to look the best naked, from saying no let’s wait awhile to performing the best ride with the hopes that a man will choose you.
But women have sold themselves short.  The best sex does not land the best man.   Moreover, sex shouldn’t be the tool that is used to try to obtain or maintain a man.  The supply of women willing to audition themselves out is high.  The men willing to commit before sex are low.  The risks are high and not in women’s favor.  The frequent sexual exchanges only lower the woman’s current market value.
So the next time he says he is not looking for anything serious, believe him. If you want more, walk away and to someone willing to offer more.  It seems preposterous to go to the tire shop with the hopes they will make you a smoothie.  Equally absurd is the notion to physically invest in a man with hopes of gaining an emotional commitment.

The Pasteurization: A Look into Online Dating

I recently saw a commercial for leading internet dating site, Match.com.  Directly following that commercial was an advertisement for V8 Splash juices.  I couldn’t help but see the connection between internet dating and V8 juices.  Both may fill the void of the complete absence of fruit & vegetables and dating.   However, is it a true substitute for the real thing?

Dating in a Bottle

Like V8, internet dating, eliminates the natural selection process of finding a mate.  I love to cook.  One of the first steps in cooking is selecting ingredients.  I love to go through the produce- squeezing, poking, and smelling fruits and vegetables to find the freshest picks.  Then on the meat section, I carefully examine color, cut, and quality, again with the purpose to find the best pick for intended meal.  Both V8 juices and internet dating picks the fruit for you.  The fruit could be of a lower quality or rotten, likewise profile pictures could be altered or photo shopped.  You never know.
Secondly internet dating, like V8, chops, purees, and bottles the dating process.  Meeting someone, exchanging numbers, anticipating the first call, and first date butterflies is replaced with inbox messages relays and chats from the comfort of your respective homes.  Internet dating forces the natural progression without establishing a true chemistry that may not exist in person.  It is much easier to be witty, charming, and funny with time delays, time gaps, and ability to Google that internet dating provides. In real life, you may discover the person lacks the traits portrayed in this virtual life.
Lastly, V8 eradicates true texture, flavor, and smell of fruits and vegetables.  Internet dating does the same for dating.  Standardized tests and computations determine connections instead of coffee shop conversations, dinners, and long walks.  Nutritionists and doctors alike will proclaim that despite all the science that exists there is no replacement for the nutrients found directly in the fruits and vegetables supplied by nature.  Similarly while internet dating does have a market for the undesirables, it cannot replace the real thing.

His Hesitation

Welcome to another edition of Light Fridays

cheaper to keep her

Tiger’s wife, Elin expected $300 million divorce settlement will have Kelis’s monthly stipend from Nas look like welfare checks.  In a recent conversation with a best friend, he was explaining all a man has to seriously consider before entering marriage.  Love, compatibility, and security are no longer the only key components a man must consider anymore.  Now you must consider the worst case scenario, divorce, and how much that will cost you.  Past, current, and possible future earnings are now all at risk once you enter this supposedly lifelong matrimony.  So ladies, his hesitation to jump that broom may be with good reason.
Public divorces are a good example to men, although no one seems to be getting the message.  How many mistresses have come forth in the Tiger Wood’s affair? 20 or so?  Well after a little computing, I discovered that comes to $15,000,000 per girl!!! FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLLARS PER ASS!!!  But I am sure Tiger, being a black man, had many others.  So I did a decided to round up to 100 girls he may have been involved in since the conception of his marriage.  And well that was still $3,000,000 per girl!  Astronomical.  I wonder if Tiger did the calculations if it was worth it.  I wonder if Elin is leaving out of pride, or if the damage is really beyond repair.  I wonder if Nas is thanking God he wasn’t any richer. I wonder if Oprah is laughing at them all…

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The Clingy Girl Syndrome

Most women assume a man will not commit to a monogamous relationship.  Men are held to little to no expectation to avoid future disappointment.  All men are the same until tested and proven otherwise.  So it is no wonder when a man comes along that exceeds expectations that women have a tendency to hold on to that man for dear life.
The first call is to the girls because they HAVE to know. Then facebook has to know.  Relationships statuses have to change, you must add commentary to every status, and write on his wall every couple hours just cause.  All twitter updates refer to this new man. New love can have anyone over-feeling themselves.   Your friends simply roll their eyes whenever you come around because they know you have only one topic of conversation- him.   It is not because they are not excited for you, but they know you have caught a terrible disease- the clingy girl syndrome (CGS).

I know we have only been together for 2 days but I need you to change your relationship status right now.

The Clingy Girl Syndrome (CGS) is detrimental for three reasons:
1)      The intent is not pure. The constant wall messages and status updates are not because you are sooooo in love.  The purpose is so other women will know who you are- the new girl in his life.  It is a territorial claim. This man is now your territory.  It is not to awe the man; men could care less about hourly updates, especially if they will see you later that day.
2)       CGS is destructive because men are innately claustrophobic. Men, even those in love, need room to breathe.  Your need to claim your territory in his home, via social media, and his life will may push him away.  This concept is magnified if the man is not used to being in a committed relationship.  All of the newness plus your narcissistic behavior may prove to be too much for this newbie.
3)      You lose yourself.  You once had hobbies, interests, academic and professional pursuits but not anymore.  You used to contribute relevant perspectives in conversations with your colleagues, family, and friends but that too is now on the backburner to your new love.  You have sadly become one-dimensional.
There are a few cures for CGS.  Good friends will let you enjoy it for a while but will bring you back to reality.  Then, there is the pivotal point when you realize your new love is not perfect and brings you down off your high. And the worst, you lose something you value because your priorities are no longer in order.  I wish good friends upon you.  It is important that you remain the woman he fell in love with and you keep your crazy CGS urges under control.  And you do it not for him, but for something with a lifetime guarantee- do it for you.