Why I Don’t Want a “Good” Man

CARLTON BANKS 2

I'm good. You can have him.

They’re wack.
While as an exemplary woman, I can appreciate a good man that is extremely caring, sensitive, and attentive, I am typically drawn to the less desirable. Wait now, hear me out.
For me, I think of it as buying a house.  You have two options: 1) you can buy a new house at the top of your budget that already has everything you think you want. 2)  Or you can buy a foreclosed, bank-owned home that needs a lot of work and renovate it to make it your own. People often question why you are interested in purchasing a worn home in a run down neighborhood when you have the money and credit to buy a new home in the suburbs.
New homes, like “ideal” men, highlight all their fantastic features, but often leave no room for growth and expansion.  They are usually pretentious, self-involved, and have absolutely no personality. They have also already reached their potential.  Did I mention they have no personality? Or even worse a generic, homogenous personality with no character or charm.  I am opposed.
kitchen-02

"Let me upgrade ya"

Homes, like men, that require more work, while you get a good deal initially, you have to budget and make decisions on what upgrades are necessary.  You have to decide what you can do yourself and what will require a contractor.  All renovations take time.  A renovation only makes sense if the frame is what you want and the foundation is solid.  However, you usually have to gut out an area before you make it beautiful.  At the end of the process, you have a beautiful home that you created to suit your needs that has greatly increased the equity in your home by your renovations.
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"Where Before Meets After"

HGTV’s show, Hidden Potential, is the most accurate description my relationship process.  The process of renovating is full of highs and lows, joys and frustrations, but when it is all done, everyone, even the nay-sayers love it.  And you, the owner, are proud of the gem you were able to see beyond the rough exterior.
~Ms. Don’t Judge Me, I still got a long way to go myself.
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Code of Silence

“soooo….you good?” he confidently beckoned still trying to find his breath.
“mmm, wonderful,” she replied.
He grinned, mentally patting himself on the back, as he moved toward kitchen. “Where do you keep your glasses, babe?”
“In the second cabinet from the left…on the top,” she answered.  The sound of fumbling cabinet doors brought her back to reality but still too exhausted to move just yet.  The snap back to reality stirred several questions to mind. Will he stay the night or give an “I got to go” excuse?   They have been dating for several months now and after much convincing, she decided to take the leap….again. She had been talking to her girls about the likelihood that was indeed about to go down- that she was ready.  And they had all but said he would leave immediately afterwards. However, she decided to go with her gut.  And just as she was about to question her decision, he interrupted her thoughts.
“Here you go, fruit punch,” he said.
“Thank you,” she replied trying to remain cool.  As he leaned over to kiss her, she demanded her cheeks not to turn red. Or to ask what she really wanted to know.  Would he stay and what this now meant in their relationship. But she knew it was too soon, so she would just have to play it cool.
The stirring in the bathroom initiates the feeling of defeat.  Instinctively, she mentally prepares for his departure soon. To her surprise, he returned to the bedroom wearing nothing more than what he had before.  Her mind was asking a million questions but she said nothing. Simply waited. Silently.
“Hey, I don’t want to seem rude, but,” her heart stopped as he spoke, rage already building up. This is why she wanted to wait, until she knew…knew for sure.  The emotional roller coaster was too much to handle. “…But would you mind if I watch Sports Center to catch the highlights from the game I missed earlier today. Just want to see if my team won, then I promise I will turn it off and come to bed,” he pleaded. She smiled and breathed relief. Then breathed possibility.
An hour after he had returned to bed, she found herself still awake taking in the moment. She had promised herself to just enjoy it and give it time before taking inventory. Her internal debates eventually lured her to sleep.
Violent turns and mumbled screams abruptly interrupted the stillness of the night.
“What’s wrong?” she exclaimed in panic.
He opened his eyes trying to find his bearings. “Oh nothing. I’m fine. Sorry.”
But she knew exactly what it was, he had just had the same dream every black man she had been with before had had. She named it The Black Man’s Nightmare- the one thing they had managed to come together and secure in a code of silence.  She had always wondered what brought on the violent sleep. And while she didn’t know the cause, she had mastered the cure. She reached out to him and pulled him close, kissed his face gently. The light strokes in the direction of his fade comforted him back to sleep holding her tightly.
With time and trust, all of her questions were answered without asking any questions. For him, the nightmares stopped, and well, that told him all he needed to know about her.

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When it is NOT okay to break up their happy home…Alicia.

A wise woman once said, “Everyone has been cheated on and everyone has cheated.”  No surprises there, just like there is no surprise that the wife (yes, they are still legally married) of Swizz Beatz, Mashonda, still has a lot on her chest about the role Alicia played in their pending divorce.  But with cheating being so commonplace does Mashonda still have a right to be upset? Yeah, Hell yeah!
And while I in NO WAY condone cheating, or being an accomplice to cheating unless he is super fine and THE BEST…, IF you MUST cheat, there is a code,  Alicia.
You should steer clear, ignore his 2:00am texts, and keep your hands to yourself if:
He is married. When vows are expressed openly before God, family, and friends, you need to keep your goods and sultry singing in late night studio sessions to yourself! This is closely followed by he is engaged.  If he has made that $10K investment on a piece of jewelry you can bet he is all in, so you need to fall back. Matter of fact, discontinue contact because you obviously didn’t make the cut boo.
They have kids. 2007-062607_bet-awards_black-carpet-fashions_swizz-beatz_mashonda_kidsThey have been together for 9 years together. She is pregnant with baby number #4 by him. You might need to make better use your energy elsewhere, despite his claims to their rocky relationships.  Any child born after the first one, is NOT an accident- he knew exactly what he was doing.  Do you really want to be the reason she has to explain to their children why Daddy is leaving? And honestly, even if it is just one child, that mother, if he is a real father, will forever be in the picture.  As Mashonda stated, “If you two being together forever is the case, [it’s] more of a reason for us to get along, because I’m not going anywhere. [There’s] a child to be raised.”
She is crazy.A Thin Line As much as we rooted for Nia Long’s character in A Thin Line Between Love and Hate victory in winning Martin Lawrence’s character, she basically put her life at risk over a dude.  It is never, ever, ever that deep…  If she making calls and stopping by your job over ol’ dude, then let her have him.  You never know what is next with unstable creatures.
He has no respect for you. All calls are made after midnight and he is gone by morning.  You never get dates, still pay all your bills, and you bought all your clothes. SMH, you are missing the point.  IF you cheat, it is suppose to be like a vacation- wining and dining, sweet surprises, and gifts.  You run this, not him. Otherwise, you are not doing something right…or he doesn’t respect you at all. Drop him.
You are crazy. Brad and AngelinaYou think there is something so magical about your goods that he is going to leave the woman he is with for you. You have pictures of Angelina and Brad as your screen saver.  You are just hopeful, making plans, stalking, and wishing. You are crazy.  The odds that he leaves her because of you are slim to none.  Even if he leaves her, he is not coming to you.  If you can’t handle your role, this game ain’t for you.

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